'People treat it like a disease,' say some still living on base
Article Source: msnbc.com
from:msnbc.com'Where do we fit in?' ask GIs' widows
Seeded on Sun May 30, 2010 6:30 AM EDT (msnbc.com)
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It's hard being a widow period! Sorry but there's no difference in the emotions, stigma and social aspects discussed in the article between military widows vs civilian. Only difference is how the spouse was lost. the emotions are the same, the treatment is the same, etc.
True, but this is Memorial Day weekend. So you will get information that you normally will not get.
I was surprised to hear her say she felt stigmatized and isolated. Surely there are Outreach Services on base that she can tap into. These services are always staffed by those who have "been there".
I'm kind of at a loss as to why she is not aware of this.
It is sad to hear that the loved ones left behind are not embraced by the military families. However, it isn't surprising. The military is about sending soldiers to execute a mission. They are not about the aftermath. Whether it is a soldier dealing with PTSD or being severely disabled by the mission, these are not things the military is good a handling.
The best thing to do is to go outside of the base and seek support from other groups.
While, as the wife of an Army retireee who served in Vietnam, I absolutely support our troops and their families. But I have to say that the Iraq vets and their families are the biggest group of whiners I have ever seen or heard. During WWII, Korea and Vietnam, the men and their wives and widows served with distinction and especially during Vietnam, when it wasn't popular to be associated with anything military, the soldiers did their duty and their families stood by them with pride and but for a few who became radicals, left their complaints at home. The widows of all military servicemen and the widowers of our servicewomen as well, all face certain stigmas, but most of what the Iraq widows are facing is in their own minds. No longer in the fight, they feel like the attention is no longer focused on them as wives of men overseas in war, but must now step aside and allow for and support those wives and husbands whose spouses are now facing down the dangers. It seems like a case of "what about me."
The big difference is that your man came back.
Exactly Bruce, no one who has not dealt with the loss of a spouse, no matter how it happened can never judge how other people deal with it. You have your spouse and when he dies, if he dies first, chances are, you won't have little kids to raise by yourself. Don't even assume because you are married to a retired vet you have anything in common with the women in this article. Your type of person is outlined in the sentence.... Yost sees military wives counting the number of drinks she orders at a bar or whispering when she speaks to another man. In other words, the type of woman who would have been burned at the stake a hundred years ago.
"Only difference is how the spouse was lost."
I agree absolutely. The junkie shot robbing a liquor store is every bit the equal of the grunt roadsided.
"It seems like a case of "what about me."
How true. Exactly what Abe Lincoln was thinking before he wussed with that, " care for his widow and orphan" crap.
Mo said:
But I have to say that the Iraq vets and their families are the biggest group of whiners I have ever seen or heard.
That is awful and I can't believe you just said that. You should be ashamed of yourself.
No Value.
LockN'Load thank God you washed out of basic!! We didn't need your service then and we don't want your opinion (or Mo's) now!! 2BCT 1AD OIF 05-06 OIF 08-09
Along with this person's statement about the issue of whining. I won't say I agree or disagree, but I do feel that the Iraq vets and their spouses are receiving FAR better treatment and services than any other war veterans! What makes them more "special" than the Vietnam era vets, who were spit on? Or the WWII Vets. The government has built special "Warrior Service Centers" for these guys. Are we implying that other soldiers are not "warriors?" I have been to the Vietnam Memorial Wall. There are 10s of thousands of names on that wall. I have been brought to tears by guys in wheel chairs with their hands on the wall over the names of comrades who didn't come home. Any loss of life is tragic, but we have not come anywhere near the numbers we suffered in Vietnam or WWII. Even veterans, who I feel, have ALREADY paid their dues, are kicked to the curb. We are third-class citizens! We come AFTER the spouses of active duty. Why? Because I am alive? I couldn't even get a military discount at the Paul Revere house in Boston, because I was retired, and I wasn't in danger any more! WTF does that mean? War is war. No service member should be treated better than any other service member, just because of the conflict they are in. Guys got their legs blown off in Vietnam as well as in Iraq. Both are tragic, but the treatment protocol is completely unfair. Back then, if you got injured, you were medically retired. Now, they let you stay in! I saw a BLIND officer allowed to stay in! I'm happy for the guy, but again, WTF? All wars are unpopular, but this one is so political that every politician out there is trying to keep the support up. So apart from providing these soldiers with gold-plated weapons, they are going over-board! I was seeing a psychiatrist when I retired in 1995. I have not one, but three documented instances of PTSD. When the soldiers started returning from Iraq, I was booted! I now receive no care. I hate for anyone to die in an unjust war, and feel horrible for the families that are now left without a spouse, but they are in ways, better off than me. My life insurance is 200k. I am not allowed to increase it. These soldiers have 400k. So, though the spouse may have some emotional issues to deal with, many of those issues won't be financial. I know that sounds @!$%#ty, but facts are facts!
RJ, don't sweat it. You live your life the best way you know and when the monkey (PTSD) starts to jabber at you, put him back in his cage and smile because you are still alive and kicking.
Sometimes the monkey gets out, but don't be depressed, once he is back in the cage you just have to keep an eye on him and smell the roses. As long as you know he is there, you are way ahead of the game.
Life is not fair. Brain damage sucks, but as long as you know you are not the only one, you can laugh at it. I don't know how the guys that get really Fucced up deal with it, but go to a VA hospital and spend some time with them. Your monkey is better than a lot of gorillas out there.
Don't let life's injustices get you down. Think from box to box. One we are born from and the other they plant us in. All between is just living. Try to have a good time between the boxes and don't fret the small sh!t.
So sad that hearing these stories reminds us how little has changed over time. Still I wonder, why do we only consider wives when discussing these issues of bereavement--are no men ever left to care for their families alone? I hope that all of our service families are treated equally and that all receive the help that they need to provide for the future of their families.
Mo-291261
I absolutely disagree with you! I actually found it on the cruel side what you said. My husband also is a Vietnam Vet, he went twice for a year each, he also was the person to notify the families when someone got killed in Vietnam. The families now are no different then years ago. The military men/women are constantly in stress as to when they might have to go to war, not just once, but several times. I don't think they are whiners at all. I think they are brave to stand by their men/women while they get called again and again. The tactics are the same then and now, you cannot distinguish the enemy from the good guys, all the same, you never know what might be around the corner, the war hated then and the war hated now. I have nothing but respect for the families and their spouses and I am grateful to them. My husband was lost once in Vietnam, it is terrifying, the only difference I see is that they now get to call home on cell phones, get to see their babies being born via satellite, get so many more care packages, and have a few of the good things we have here, like Subway, Burger King and such, but the anguish is still the same. I have three children in the military now who have been to war several times, it's all the same. The stress, the never knowing, the news that give every detail of bad things happening. My son saw a female soldier blown in half by a roadside bomb and then had to take her to the hospital, my other son had one of his men get killed in front of his eyes! They know how horrible the war is now and I know how brave the families are who have to wait and hear bad things all the time. Let's support them! Thank you from the bottom of my heart all military men and women and thank you all families for dealing this this as best as you possibly can. THANK YOU!!!
I lost my Naval-pilot father in 1973 when I was 12. My mother, 38 at the time and with 4 kids, would beg to differ w/ you. She was ostracized by her military "friends" one by one. Going from "military life" to "civilian life" is a big change for anyone, let alone someone who just lost their spouse. I'm sad to see things haven't change much in almost 40 years.
I do NOT mean to diminish the FEELINGS of loss you expressed but to compare going from military wife and mother to NOTHING in the community (read no or few civilian friends - you live and breathe MILITARY life) is even harder...when your "dear friends" desert you when you need them the most - and chances are high you are far from home. Sorry, military widows and widowers go through the feelings of grief and loss at the same time they are being kicked out to back door of the institution they've lived with and under most of their adult lives.
...as a child who witnessed it, I tell no lies!
If nothing else this vine shows that there are a lot of shallow minded people that exist in this world. Too bad anyone who has lost a loved one is subjected to these people.
Ignorance is the biggest wall that I see. NO one can understand what it's like to lose your partner. They can say "I feel your pain" and they mean well... but they have no clue.
As far as the opinionated people sitting on the sidelines and counting drinks, judging friends, or one's actions after our loss... I feel that they need to worry more about their own lives. I won't count their drinks, judge their friends or worry about their next move. I have to take life one step at a time. One day at a time. I'll deal with my next hurdle in my own way. How I choose to accomplish this task is my own business.
I am not a widow. I am a widower and CAN feel their pain. I recently lost my partner of 44 years and have been experiencing the same stares, whispers, etc. Our baggage is heavy. Our next move, unknown. We'll live our lives as we see fit. Please respect that.
I agree with everything you've said. I lost my husband two years ago, not in Iraq but of an aortic aneurism. No one can judge anyone else in this situation. Even if you've lost a spouse every situation is different, the pain is personal.
*shakes head*
All I can say ladies, is: live by the sword, die by the sword.
I bet you never spent one moment in sympathy for the Iraq widows whose husbands, unlike yours, were not invading warriors whose sole purpose in creating murder and mayhem was to stoke the ego of an evil barbarian, and whose lives without a husband will be much harder than you ever dreamed of.
But oh! The pain of being stared at! Poor dears.
Not worth a comment.
Diane-1530584 I wish someone would use a sword on you. You piece dog crap
Diane, you are a disgrace to the human race.
Diane, perhaps you should move to Iraq to comfort those widows!! See ya!
Everyone: ignore Diane. I have seen her comments before on other posts and she is a first class moron. Don't even dignify her comments with responses. I'm pretty sure she has 35 cats at home, know what I mean?
Diane is an ill-mannered, unsympathetic troll.
Let me ask you this Diane: When was the last time you heard of the Iraq government sending their troops around the world to aid or assist any other country to prevent genocide, feed the hungry, or provide stability to a nation? NEVER!!!!! We have paid a very high price in this country for a-holes like you to speak freely. One thing I'm sure of, none of your family members have never sacrificed anything to live and speak freely in this country.
Maybe the Taliban will come your way....and as you said, you infidel, live by the sword, die by the sword.
Our government should spend more time and money/resources on issues like this, than whether or not gays can serve openly. Prioritize...GEEZ!
BTW: my father spent 32 years in the military and understands why we do what we do. If you have never served, shut it down, coward!
Diane how did you get out of your room again. Now take your pills and get back in there.
Now where did Master Jim get off too. i swear I am going to strap him to his bed this time.
LOL
You people are the idiots. You're willing (for other people) to die in Iraq for nothing. Absolutely nothing. No reason whatsoever except to serve a drunken traitor who should be tried for his crimes and then executed.
You are fools. You're the same people who get hysterical because Obama bows to a foreign dignitary, but apparently loved it when Bush pranced around holding hands with the men who made war on our country.
I have never served in the military and never would. I have a father and husband who did so. However, I have faced down a death sentence from cancer, and I did so with dignity. If I had the chance to shoot bin Laden between the eyes, I know my hand would be steady when I pulled the trigger. What you foolish little twits think of me hardly casts a shadow on my day.
You are sheep. Without a brain or an independent thought among the lot of you. The likes of Bush can lead you around by your puny little gonads. And you say you care about Americans, God Bless our military. Sure you do. Just like you care about your favorite sports team.
So, all you self-righteous little warmongers, any of you lift a finger to stand up for a veteran today? Didn't think so.
Diane, "drunken traitor"? Really? What crimes? You are the Sheep. Liberal lies.
ROTFL
Diane honey it is OK take your Prozac and go back to bed. Everything will be rosy in the morning.
Diane-1530584
These are the same people who the widows are talking about in the article. In essence, losers that are not even worth the words we type. They have little if any intelligence and even less chutzpah. They like to demonize the weak and venerable. What a shame that one day they too will be in this position.
She wants to know where she fits in? She is always going to be a part of the Military family, and will always have our support.
In part of your previous post you state:
Why did you enlist in the first place? Don't say your recruiter lied to you either. Because as intelligent as you are trying to make yourself out to be (Nice sentence structure, and misspelled words by the way), you would have done your own research BEFORE signing your DD form 1966 (CONTRACT of Enlistment). You are one of those liars that tries to make others think that you just rebelled against the system and was sent home. There is paperwork that details why you were thrown out of basic....You also misuse the word liberal just like the majority of posters who use that word as an insult (look the word up), which again calls your intelligence into question. Lock'N'Load? sounds like the typical Xbox Commando name of a gamer that thinks killing "enemy" soldiers in a game, really makes you a tough guy. Grow up, then shut up.
Diane if anyone's a moron it's the person staring back at you in the mirror!!
Miss Diane, I guess your memory failed. You forgot that their "warriors" started this @!$%#! They flew planes into our buildings! I don't care if they were Saudis or Iraqis or @!$%#skis! What about the 4 or 5 thousand that died because of that little incident? Personnally, I don't think we have been harsh enough in our response. It's a good thing I'm not president because that part of the world would glow in the dark! We wouldn't have to pollute our country by digging oil wells either, we would OWN all the oil in those regions!
Hey everyone, Diane faced down cancer. She doesn't say, but she probably is getting on in years and the cancer as well as the medicine have given her a bit of brain damage.
I suspect that Diane is alone in the world and having people to argue with or leave comments gives her some human contact. Sad situation for her.
Diane, are you shut up in your room and not able to get out? Can you try to be nice to people so that they want to visit with you and maybe take you out in public? Sometimes keeping the disappointment you have in life bottled up is not good, but putting hate on the internet is also not good. What country are you in and how is the weather? Think positive, people will be happy to visit no matter what you look like now.
See, what can one say about someone who thinks like this? The Iraqi's had nothing whatsoever to do with 911. If you don't care who the enemy was -- that would be the Saudi's -- and just want to make war, so Iraq is as good as any other country, then you are Bush Lite. By your so-called logic, why not make war on Canada? After all, it didn't do anything to us either, and it's closer.
As for all the remarks about Diane on meds and Diane shut up in her room, I understand that most of you think, talk, and act like 12 year olds. And that is why this country is in the mess that it's in. The government can rely on your stupidity and immaturity.
With this administration lead by someone who hates America. I'm sorry but it seems they have you behind 12,000,000 illegal criminals. I for one would mush rather give all the money spent for the criminal illegals to Americans who's Husband or wife gave all defending us. God Bless Our Military. Its time for Americans to stand up for Americans
Good....it only took 4 comments to make this political! I'm so glad I didn't have to wait long! {sarcasm intended}
The first comment made it political, you just agreed with it. Chump.
For some reason, this story sounds "contrived" to say the least...A bait story for all the anti-military liberal leftists out there as noted by the number of readers who gave this story a high mark, but made no comments... I feel sorry for this woemen, but I feel she is so self absorbed in her own self pity and depression that I have no doubts that she has some major mental health issues.
This yellow backed Journalist I have no doubts has been looking for this woemen for a long time just to be able to write this kind of story which is a dis-service for the thousands of other military wives who have done what any normal wife would do, military or not, and I bet that is the reason the other wives stare at her..she is an embarrassment to them all, and an embarrassment to the memory of a fallen warrior... I think the Journalist should be bitch slapped myself....what a low life....
And if you notice the timing of the issuance of this story....That proves what I am saying is true....Shame on this Journalist for pandering and pimping for the Liberal yellow back Left...they will probably give you an award at the Kennedy Center next time around.....
Eddie, the far left icon that looks like a check and has little ABC is the spell check. You took the time to write the comment. Not a bad one, but if you hit the spell check, you will come across as a more educated poster.
Best to you.
As former active duty soldier and a former military wife, I really think these ladies need to get away from the bases and the military environment. I know that may not be immediately possible but if at all possible leave and go home to your families/friends or wherever you have some support system. Continuing to stay near the base and continuing to go to military balls only keeps them from moving on. It's like a ghost that refuses to move on to the next world, I know it's not a great comparison but they must move one. I know that the last thing their deceased husbands want is for their lives to end. They were fighting so everyone, including their wives, could live their lives. I don't support these "wars" at all but soldiers are only responsible for cleaning up the messes that cowardly politicians start.
Very true Liz...very true. I agree with you on that. I think the wives should get on away from the bases/base communities while picking up the pieces getting everything within their family in order. When I read stuff like this, it only makes me shake my head in disgust.
Sage advice Liz. I hope the subjects of this story see your post.
I am also a veteran and was a military wife. Though significant, it is only part of who I am.
These widows have suffered tragedy but now it is time to move on and move forward.
Your not defending freedom your invading countries over lies for corporate america. Hope King George and the rest of his thugs are enjoying the wealth they are making off these illegal invasion at the cost of lives.
You are absolutely correct. However, soldiers are not responsible for this; they just have to clean up what the politicians and corporate America start. Unfortunately, they have to buy into the mindset of protecting freedom, otherwise they are risking and sacrificing their lives for nothing. They and their loved ones, understandably, can't deal with that.
That fool, Master Jim is not absolutely correct.
Um, actually Jim is historically and factually correct, it's just not a popular viewpoint and inciting on an emotional news thread. That being said, thank you for your service Bruce.
To Jan, it would be nice if pointing fingers were that easy, but you are trying to dumb down a complicated issue. Also, calling someone a "Communist" lost it's teeth about 30 years ago. Welcome to the grey color of the modern world.
I join in with others agreeing that the blanket statement made by Master Jim is most idiotic. Sounds like something from an extremely narrow mind, regurgitating what they have heard without thinking anything through. I for one as the widow of a wonderful marine whom loved this country dearly and enlisted to aid in protecting it, am grossly offended by such a statement, but I'm sure you really don't have the time nor inclination to even care. The article is about military widows but you are so busy making your THIS COUNTRY IS HORRIBLE AND FULL OF NOTHING BUT CORPORATE WAR MONGERS statement, that you did not even get the message.
Anders, I have seen Master Jim's name come up and it always seems to be with the rising of the sun in China. That and his absolutely bazaar thought process makes me believe that he is one of the Chinese agents that get paid to post on places like the vine.
As tragic as this is, there is a flip-side. I'm sure my wife would be devastated if she was a widow while I was in the service. But she would be now, even though I am not in the service. The point I would like to make is for the soldiers who gave their lives. I believe, in my heart, that they would rather give their lives doing what they were doing, then what I am currently doing, which is nothing. A back injury working a @!$%#ty civilian job resulted in four failed back surgeries, and a subsequent addiction to pain meds. My body is slowly shutting down and I feel sick nearly every day. I can't run anymore, like I did in the Army. I can't exercise. I can't do too much of anything. Except wait for death. A death that will probably come in the form of a heart-attack or some other @!$%#ty illness. You widows can be proud to say your husbands died serving our country! You should hold your heads high and your chests out. There is no shame, and if your husband could tell you, he would say the same thing. You dishonor him by cowering to others who don't understand, especially civilians! I'm glad I have a few more years to be with my wife, but it is more for her than it is for me. If it was up to me, I would have checked out a long time ago. Your husband (or wife) is a hero, never forget that! And so are all of you!
RJ, spoken from the heart and spot on Target.
Your husbands died fighting for a free world, take that pride with you and go out and restart your lives. Find another good man and be happy as long as you can, because you loved a good man once, and you can do it again. It is no disrespect to your fallen husband.
If I get killed over here, I would haunt my wife if she mopped around and didn't move on. I would want her to find someone that loves her as much as I do.
If our military were a draft army I could understand castigating Diane. But we have become a professional military. Our soldiers know the risks. Their spouses know the risks. For whatever reasons they make their career choices.
This is not a "Johnny Come Marching Home Again Hoorrah Hoorah" army anymore. It doesn't ease the symptoms or the pain but that is the reality.
What about the widowers of women soldiers? They have their own hell to deal with that is not being addressed here at all.
Don't be so quick to throw Diane to the gutter. She makes a courageouss and salient argument. It's something we as a country shoud look into. It's great to have a proficientmilitary but do we want what can be called a mercenary military?
For many reasons I prefer a draft. Two years for everyone. Only medical deferments.
Diane - Can't Understand Normal Thinking.
Goober, well, you're a goober.
Diane - Can't Understand Normal Thinking.
Does this comment really make sense to you? She may be too emotional and may not have expressed herself as eloquently as she could, but the sentiment is there. In war soldiers die. And our professional soldiers, everyone of them and their spouses, bet against it being them. That's a big gamble.
Nobody wants to die. Patton said "you don't win a war dying for your country, you make the other SOB die for his" Diane is a fool.
And you Bruce, think normal? Yes you're right, Bruce, I am a GOOBER and that's AMERICAN. How about you. Are you American?
Yes, goober, I think normal. Apparently you do not. Defending Diane (see post #3.8) is stupid to say the least. I have to go outside and raise my flag now(because I am an American Vet).
Make it six years and I will agree. The fact that you can post here is a testimony to our armed forces proficiency. Diane is a troll.
If you're talking about the draft, 6 years is a bit stiff but I could be convvinced.
I give credit to our constitution for providing for an army and militia, Our military executes that function.
Diane's no troll.
While I support Diane's right to her opinion,that's all I support! I am amazed at the internet connection she gets living under a bridge!!!
Are you neighbors Fred?
Goober, really? Fess up, are you in China?
Goober, really? Fess up, are you in China?
How did you figure that out, MOS? I'm in a sampan floating down the yangtse;
My heart goes out to the widows of military spouses and all, but these women have to realize it comes with the territory. My grandfather was killed during the Korean Conflict and my grandmother had 9 kids she had to continue to raise and the support system to widows of fallen vets back then wasn't even close to what it is today. When I was the military, my often worried about me, but she knew she had support just in case anything ever happened to me. Sometimes it's just all about who you surround yourself with and not to bad mouth all military spouses, but some of them are no damn good!
Momus, I spent 19 years being ready for the possibility that something could happen. But no amount of preparation can give you the tools necessary to face widowhood - let alone to face it when the community that is supposed to support you turns its back.
I agree that there are bad military spouses (I used to advise at a board for wives and would tell people that if they weren't ready to deal with deployments, canceled leaves, screwed up moves and all that fun....do_NOT_marry_a_military_man or woman!!!). However to suggest that those that have trouble coping are "bad spouses" does them a disfavor by putting them in the same category as the Barracks Bunny hoping for an ID card and free medical care or the one who starts sleeping around the second the wheels are up on the husband or wife's plane.
Crazy redhead....I hear you darlin', but I wasn't saying all spouses trying to cope are "bad spouses" at all. I did say some of them are, which you so eloquently displayed in your response. I didn't want to go there, but you made my point! And then there's this quote from the main character in the story:
That just about sums it up for me! When she was on the outside looking in, it was all gravy, but now that it's her and she's hurt by it all? Yeah, she's a pretty sweet dame that one is.
I won't disagree there, which is why she may be an object lesson to some of her former friends. One would hope that some of them have stepped back and realized that being judgmental bitches is not helping anyone - except maybe for their shallow egos for 10 or 15 minutes.
We need to do more to help war widows. People like Master Jim and Diane who try to make this political on Memorial Day - STFU!
I agree with you Bruce on this....I feel bad for the war widows, and there should be more help for them.
Bruce and Nancy
What more do you propose we do?
Death Benefits have been raised from $10,000 to $400,000.
Spouses and children are now eligible for Education Benefits
There are outreach/support programs for spouses and children provided by the military
There are support groups available which consists of surviving spouses.
I am not unsympathetic to the widows/childrens plight - but you both stated "we need to do more" - what would you propose?
This was the first article I've read today. It brought memories back. I'm not a widow or a widower and I'm not good at saying the right thing. So I'll say theonly thing I can, SEMPER Fi and God bless. I never understood why my mother was so scared when I went to Vietnam. It took reading articles like this over the years to appreciate how the one's left behind felt.
Having seen the wars up close, let's get some things straight. Yea, the soldier sacrifices. But he re-ups for the same reason a contractor works in a war zone. Good money. He is thoroughly indoctrinated into "fighting for America's freedom", but also knows the complete folly of that. Pure Bullshi#. He states this, often, though he continues to risk his neck. It's a job. It's his job. Just like you and me, going to work everyday.
A soldier has plenty of chances to walk away, but hazard pay buys that new car, that house, heck, everything.
This is the mindset....military life is nothing more than a mindset, a culture. These widows have no sense of how to move on, how to pick up the pieces. Because? They too were engrained into that America First military mindset, while ignoring the ultimate repercussions. I feel very sorry for them, and wish I could embrace them all and lead them away to a much better state of mind. But the damage is done. This is why America should wake up. You want government funded jobs? Fine. But recognize ALL of them as mere economic stimulus, and quit force feeding the Freedon BS. These people have no idea how to cope, and you caused it. Let the military come home, and put them to work, as it is basically military welfare, no different than social or corporate welfare, put them to work doing something worthwhile. They can keep the pay.
One trillion dollar a year military indusrial complex economic package. You'd think America would have a conscience. Imagine two things. These widows have their husbands, and that trillion dollars spent on improving economic America. Don't even bother with preserving american freedom debate, we ain't getting that done here, and if that was our goal, we had many options beyod marching our troops for the sake of securing te annual military budget.
If we shut down our military there will be plenty of work but damn little chance to voice our opinions, Comrade!! Of course at some point even communism may fall to the Jihad against civilization at which point I'll be gone because I'd rather die standing tall taking out the Radical Muslim trash than kneel in prayer facing Mecca!!!!
Everyone wants someone to feel sorry for them, and take care of them. Life is tough...People face partners dying every day.... in auto crashes, through terminal illnesses, etc.... Who takes care of them? If people don't want to join the forces, then you're free not to do so. Most are there because of the education that is offered them, the financial support, family support, medical coverage, etc., that they get from the military. If, God forbid, a soldier dies while serving in one of those god forsaken places, it's the chance they take when they join! It's a roll of the dice as far as coming home safe.
I firmly believe the draft should be reinstated. This would even the playing field. All the hundreds of thousands that have died in all the wars have been tragedies to die so young for many wars that weren't really necessary, and these recent deaths from Iraq and Afghanistan fall into that category. Every time I see pictures of these young kids that have died, it saddens me deeply, and angers me, and it's mostly kids that need a job and an education because they are unable to do so through their family's financial situation. It's like a worm on the end of a fishing rod. This country should offer higher education....at least to 14th grade (Assoc Degree) as part of free education.... We need better education in this country... not soldiers dying in a war because they can get take advantage of higher education when, they come home.
Not everyone wants to go to college. I know a young man that had a free ride to college. His mom worked at the college and his dad was a disabled veteran so it would turn out that he would have made money going to college. Instead he joins the Marine Corp. I asked him why and he told me he wanted to make a difference. He felt he owed something to his country, not his government mind you but his country.
I told him that there was a possibility that he could get killed and he told me that he could get run over by a drunk driverdirver too but we can not always stay safe and hide behind others.
I pray that these individuals eventually find peace and some type of understanding in all of this.
Car accident or car bomb. Dead is dead and lose is lose. The whole thing is personal and finite.
I lost my spouse years ago while he was in the Army. It was not war related, but just the same, once the military spouse is gone, the wife loses her identity, because she is no longer eligible for any "privileges" due to fact that her sponsor is no longer part of the group. It's like belonging to "club" and then just booted out and stripped of all access. You feel very displaced for a long time. No military support group, or going to the post hospital or commissary, NCO club etc. Things that became second nature and of course your life. I moved away from the Post area, back to where my family was for support and which happened to be close to a Air Force base. I met my current husband who was an Airman at the time and have had a wonderful continuation to my life story. There is life after, it just takes a while to heal.
First, I mean NO OFFENSE to anyone. But I am a young widow myself and all these things you've described as being unique to military widows, are not unique in the slightest! The same exact things happen to widows completely unrelated to the military. I know this is a fact because I went through them all. With respect to Memorial day-I give my sincere condolences to those who have lost a loved one while serving our country. And on the same note, my sincere condolences go out to those who have lost a loved one who was not military. A widow is A widow in any walk of life!!!
RiverDog-1572451
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I was surprised to hear her say she felt stigmatized and isolated. Surely there are Outreach Services on base that she can tap into. These services are always staffed by those who have "been there".
I'm kind of at a loss as to why she is not aware of this.
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Red Dog, I'm a military widow (though my husband died at home, not abroad) and my experience is that the services are NOT staffed by those who have "been there", as much as those that have some basic qualifications and their interest fades after about 2 months. As sad as it may seem to some, the experiences described by the widows in the story mirror my own.
My husband died 7 years ago today and at first, there was great support from his unit, but that quickly faded and before long, people were turning away in the BX or commissary. My favorite was the wives who would grab their husband's arms and steer them away from me, as if widowhood was a contagious disease OR I was out to take their husband. Other than the chaplain I got counseling from and a civilian grief counselor, the ones on base basically said "suck it up and it'll pass".
As for the poster that basically said "suck it up" like those officious jerks on base: I hope you are treated far better when your spouse dies than you expect others to treat these widows.
Red - Don't think for a second you are forgotten. I did 22 years, with 7 deployments, and my wife tells me all the time how thankful she is that I came home every time. As the wife of one of our brothers the only thing we can offer you is peace. I'm sure not a single military person wouldn't go out of their way to help you. We have no interest in re-traumatizing you by bringing back memories you may be trying to work out. In my world you are highly respected and your sacrifices will not be forgotten.
And the stares from the other wives are their own way of being grateful and stating that "for the grace of God, there go I."
Have a warm Memorial Day and Bless you Red.
Ah, but that is where you are mistaken. Out of the dozens who promised help in the days immediately after my husband's death, ONE carried through.
That's what I tried to hope until one of the guys who promised help said he would love to but his wife wouldn't let him because she was afraid I would attempt to seduce him to have a man in my bed again. He said he'd heard similar things from other guys in the shop.
I don't hold any anger to those women; I feel a kind of pity for them. But based on conversations with the grief counselor, those women are not the minority.
I hope you have a pleasant Memorial Day, as well.
Are there any programs that help the children of the fallen soliders?
What kind of programs, Candi?
Typical of the Army. The Marine family looks after their own. My dad died on his third tour in Vietnam. Eveyone supported my mom and us kids and continued to support her. At 85 she never dated again and still wears her wedding band. Now days she talks about meeting up with him in heaven soon. Her best friends are still Marine Corp days friends.. Its a family!
I think in some ways the fact they feel isolated and ignored is due to the fact that many soldiers and their spouses are in denial of the risks of combat. They either think they're invincible (the younger ones) or simply choose to ignore the reality that any day in combat could be the day that ends you (the rest)!! Regardless I'm grateful for their loved ones' service and sacrifice!!
Everyone wants someone to take care of them, and feel sorry for them. . Life is tough...People face partners dying every day.... in auto crashes, through terminal illnesses, etc.... Who takes care of them? If people don't want to join the forces, then you're free not to do so. Most are there because of the education that is offered them, the financial support, family support, medical coverage, etc., that they get from the military. If, God forbid, a soldier dies while serving in one of those god forsaken places, it's the chance they take when they join! It's a roll of the dice as far as coming home safe. Every war undertaken since the late 50's has been unnecessary, and a waste of resources, and life. But people shouldn't expect everything to be taken care of for them... It's the legal mentality... Expect to get paid for everything except lightening strikes from the sky while sitting on your front porch.
This is a message for Joann Yost. Bless your heart and it does get better with time. I used the GI Bill and went back to school and got a degree in nursing at age 40. I too had one son, I have just retired after 30+ years nursing and that saved my sanity! Give yourself permission to start a new life. This was a new country to me, driving on the wrong side of the road was the easiest bit. Now my son is almost 40, I have the three best looking granddaughters in the United States and now my biggest regret is not sharing them with Mel. May God keep you the way he kept me and mine. You will see him again and he sees you all the time, that too will save your sanity. God Bless
My sister is an RN at a VA hospital, hell the veterans aren't getting the treatment and medical support they deserve. It's not surprising to me that the widows are being ignored.
It's the way this country treats all of it's citizens who sacrifice for the betterment of those in charge.
Black soldiers are still being treated the worse. The Vietnam Vet was even spit on by Americans when the came home. There is still an inordinate amount of "HOMELESS" Vietnam Vets the country has never help reintegrate back into society.
My point being of course, the widows are last on the list, as well as their children. However, where are their immediate families. The people in their lives before they became "Military Wives". The people in the neighborhoods they grew up in.
Why are their friends and families not helping with their isolation? It's truly not fair to try to guilt the whole country. After all some where in this country some woman is widowed every minute. Like or not but life does go on.
I have nothing but positive things to say about the VA, although I will say you have to be persistent in dealing with them!! I'll also say I see soldiers of all races when there and deal with people of all races also. I fail to see any difference in treatment by race, but I'm sure some of the older soldiers (of all races) think I had preferential treatment the last few times I was there due to the fact I had an appointment and they didn't (and I've been where they were when I started as a walk in).
My heart goes out to all those who gave their lives in the defense of freedom, as well as their closest family members. Your spouses paid the ultimate price, and for their bravery and steadfastness in the jaws of danger, we commend them, and wish you a prosperous recovery.
Now, who's up for a night out? Oh common, you seriously think your husbands won't want you to go out clubbing after they're dead? The best way to honor them is to ENJOY what they died to give to YOU: Your freedom! Now get out of your house and go enjoy it like all the other thankless fools who don't know how it feels like to loose someone to a sniper!! Forget what the other widows think for crying out loud, be strong for your spouses!! Be ****ing strong soldier!!!