Brilliant! Direct, honest, right on the money!

nice. I like it. Course like anything else, there are 2 sides. There are 2 people in a marriage and the failure of one, generally is a result of actions or inactions on both their parts.

I do like how she is PC about the fact that she cheated on her husband. That was nice. Then completely rationalizes it. In their defense, a husband (and this is coming from a husband) has the obligation to "service" his wife as she does him. Ideally this would always be a mutually desired thing. However, it does not always have to be. Marriage above all else is commiting yourself to life with another and in doing so YOU and your needs become secondary to your spouses. Once again in the perfect world this goes both way but that is also where the "...for better or WORSE..." comes into play. I am not saying I am completely immune, that it is impossible that divorce can ever happen. I think having that attitude can lead you to take you spouse for granted and one thing I learned from marriage is it is a never ending challenge. You always have to work at it, always have to nuture it.

I do think this article is in poor taste though. To suddenly decalre marriage is BS and totally unrealistic is a completely glass half empty look at the current failure rate of marriages. The conclusions are also half thought out and inadequately supported. Your marriage failed, I feel sorry for ya, but don't declare all marriage dead.

Well said, Corsair! I absolutely LOVED your third point. What a waste of ink and space. It was depressing, "woe is me!," etc. Marriage is definitely something worth working on! I attended a "Weekend to Remember" Marriage Conference put on by Family Life Ministries out of Arkansas a couple of years ago and it truly opened mine and my husband's eyes to the importance of marriage and why we can't give up on it. :D Maybe she should check that out before going through divorce. Can't hurt, can it?

Me and my wife went to "A Weekend to Remember" last year.  Our friends bought us tickets as a wedding gift.  It was great.  Due to this depressing article, and your reminder of that marriage conference, me and my wife are going to plan on paying the way for another couple to go to this conference.  Marriage is one of the greatest gifts from God.  It is definately worth all the hard work to make it a success.  Family is the best part of life.  And we are trying to build a good one.

Corsair, you saved many happily married guys a long post about this article.

- "But as we all know, the Sexually Open Marriage fizzled with the lava lamp, because it is just downright icky for most people."

Funny how the author and her friends all lament the loss of a good sex life for the sake of monogamy, yet cast away the marriage and a built family structure to preserve the very notion of monogamy (serial or not); maybe getting some from *anyone* doesn't sound so icky any more.

~ Happily married 19yrs, polyamourous marriage, 3 kids, 2 full-time jobs and enough love to share with others :-)

Stupid!

Actually, her first mistake was having an affair. Her second was being surprised that it brought down her marriage.

# 1 Reason for Divorce is SELFISHNESS

People are just too selfish in our society.

Of course it also helps to live in a society that can justify anything to make us "feel" good.

To say your marriage failed because "monogamy" and "commitment" are outdated could win you cop-out of the century.

marriage works because two people, in love, decide to share their lives together. In a perfect world, they should evolve into best friends, confidants, trusted partners, and be communicative. It works because BOTH make the effort to respect each other, listen to each other, and work together for the common good of their relationship. Should it be based on wild jungle monkey sex every night? NO. It happens at first but sort of evolves into something far deeper. A love for each other that runs deep into your heart, your mind and into your soul. Sex eventually takes a back seat to the more cerebral stuff, not that it disappears, but it is there when the emotions want it to happen. Then, I think anyway, it turns into something so very special, wonderful and amazing that it doesnt have to happen "X" munber of times a week, but when it does, it blows the top of your head off, it's so beautiful.

A couple needs to understand that no matter how long you're married, you need to work on it every single day. There's none of the... "whew, we're there, we did it!!!" sort of thing, because once that is the attitude, and you stop working at it, marriage will soon be over. It isn't "work work", but over time you learn what "working at it" means. Trust... no trust, then it's over. Also respect. No respect for one another, shazam... see ya later.

I talk like I know what I'm talking about... i dont. I too am divorced after 30 years of marriage. I am also remarried. I can tell you that the last 10 years of my new marriage have been totally amazing, i am so in love I dont know what I did to be this lucky. My new marriage saved my life to be honest. Our kids are grown and doing their thing. We do ours at our own pace, and on our own clock. Every single night after work, we sit on the screen porch, watch the wildlife in the lake out back, and "tell war stories", our way of telling each other about our days at work, and the good and not so good things that happened. I thank God that I was able to find the woman I am now married to.

Personally, I think this author has her head so far up her ass that she is just out of touch with what it takes to make a marriage. How romantic... sitting in bed every night with her glass of wine, reading a book, losing herself in thought. If I were her husband, I'd probably not look to make a move on her, and rely on porn to get myself charged up. However, to his credit, HE was not the one who decided to find sex (not love) elsewhere, and ride the baloney pony with some complete stranger to get her rocks off. shame on her. She's alone now, good riddance. I hope you're happy now, with no one else to have to answer to, or to attempt to build a relationship with but yourself and your books.

"Let children between the ages of 1 and 5 be raised in a household of mothers and their female kin. Let the men/husbands/boyfriends come in once or twice a week to build shelves, prepare that bouillabaisse, or provide sex."

This approach was used by some southeastern tribes in the US. The house and fields belonged to the woman, small children were raised by her family, older girls were trained by the women, and boys were taught hunting skills by her brothers. This way it didn't matter whether the parents stayed together or moved on. They all lived in the same village anyway, so the kids could see their dads if they wanted to (or vice versa.)

I think Lee-453088 hit it on the head.

Speaking as someone married 19.5yrs, this woman (and I use the term not regarding her maturity) broke her family. She did casually and very briefly acknowledges this. Then she goes over the reasons why her friends' seemingly perfect marriages are rotten at the core. GROW UP. Any long term relationship has its ups and downs. The question is - do you put yourself first or your family?

Counseling before the affair might have helped. That would have been the mature choice. There's a lot about selfishness posted on here; the author should speak with her therapist about that theme.

To the author - tell your friends to seek help before they break their families.

Then she goes over the reasons why her friends' seemingly perfect marriages are rotten at the core. GROW UP. Any long term relationship has its ups and downs. The question is - do you put yourself first or your family?

She was never committed to her family in the first place.

There's a lot about selfishness posted on here;

I think they call it Copernicus Syndrome

Ok, I believe in marriage. I finally met the right guy and have a family, and I'm 53 years old, and not about to do anything that will rock the roots of my happy family life. He isn't perfect, but neither am I. I hope that we are allowed to grow old together, and I love him with all my heart.

I've been divorced, I lived alone for 14 years, and I understand how this woman feels, but I don't agree with her. Marriage is not dead-- it is changing every day, but it certainly isn't dead. There are hundreds of reasons why some marriages don't work and there a few reasons they do. Maybe I finally got lucky, but I am happy with my husband, even though there are days I want to kill him, even as I think what would my life be like without this wonderful, stubborn, loving, hard-headed, good man? I'm quite sure he feels the same way about me.

Good luck to all married couples here and for you singles, once you learn how to be happy by yourself, you seem to find someone to be happy with.

this article is incredibly self indulgent. i am engaged and look forward to marriage knowing that statistically half of all marriages end in divorce. the author has clearly lost sight of the original connection that made her choose marriage in the first place and i sense a level of resentment regarding her relationship almost as if she compromised her own true self to become something she thought she wanted to be ideally. suck it up sister, you made a mistake- don't try to tell the rest of us that our idealism is flawed just because you couldn't make it work. i hope that you're happy now and will consider all angles before your next important life altering decision, in the meantime concentrate on what makes you happy- it will set you free.

Her fourth mistake was in allowing herself to have an affair-to introduce the emotional complication of that experience into her life.

Her fifth mistake was in expecting the nature of her feelings for her husband NOT to change over time as they both aged and went through life's changes and challenges together. Because she can't reset her feelings to square one, she has to break up her family and her children's home?

She is a miserable failure in terms of real maturity, and she has the audacity to try to translate her failure into some sort of commentary on the role of marriage in modern society as if she has something valuable to teach us all? Only what it means to be selfish and self aggrandizing. She needs to grow up and discover that love is an act of the will directed towards the benefit of another, not some kind of feeling that someone else either inspires in you or doesn't and that you sit in passive expectation of.

What a loser!

She should have been able to talk to someone with your insight. It's just too easy to walk away today, everything from mortgages,car payments, responsibility and MARRIAGE.

I agree with you, Mr. Rogers, and most. Recently divorced by my wife (after 23 years). Her infidelity is unexcuseable, and now my son gets to join the "divorced parents pool". What ever happened to "For better, or for worse, in sickness and in health"? Those words DO mean something. "Finding oneself", "second childhood", "mid-life-crisis" BS, BS, BS. Call it what it is - "Infidelity accompanied by a guilty conscience", "SELFISHNESS" at the expense at the people who made the relationship THIER life.

Right on! Counsellers feed on other peoples misery and if there is none they'll make it.

Divorce is trendy. Makes for spicy office gossip. I think a lot of working women do it because they see the attention their fellow workers gain from their fellow workers when they cheat in their marriages and break up. Its the ultimatre "look at me " trip. When I hear statistics like 38% of married women are unhappy with their marriage, I wonder how many single middle aged women are unhappy.

This woman fits the description of someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety. It looks like she is trying to fill an emptyness with the excitement of an affair and writing a book about it. I feel sorry for her but more for her children and husband.

Mr. Rogers, You hit it square. The main thing I took away from this article was that the author was an extremely self centered and selfish b*tch. She is also somewhat lacking as a writer. She mentions having an extramarital affair. Was it with a man or another woman? If with a woman, it would explain the lack or downgrading of commitment to a man, but would also dilute the message she was trying to push.

BTW more and more health insurance companies are asking for a copy of your marriage license if you are also carrying your spouse on your health insurance. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and she had to fax a copy of our license to prove that we were legally married in order for me to be included on the policy. If you haven't had to do it yet, be prepared to do so.

BRAVO!!!! Corsair977!!! BRAVo

Spot on!! Refreshing. Thank you!:)

Marriage with Christian values go a long way. Her value system is all backwards. My wife and I have been married for 24 years, some days are not so great, but the majority are, and let me tell you, old fashion as it may, we would not change a thing, nor would we want to, consider that our sons, both Scholars- hmmm, my wife has a lot to be proud of and I am proud to be her husband, and I stand for and with my wife. This lady hasn't a clue.

Are you kidding me??? Why do people insist on being married?? Have you ever filed an income tax return as a single person??Oh, wait you were married for 20 years..if you think you are upset now...wait until you see your first single filing tax return from this year... it's why gay people want marriage rights, so they can partner leagally with thier "loved ones". One more thing do you really think you would have half of the things and experiences you have had on a single income??? I know you wouldn't.Grow up

Your first mistake was the expense of a "counselor". - Well, her first mistake was sleeping with another man, followed closely by what sounds to be "toxic counseling." Bad counseling is far worse for a couple attempting to recover from infidelity than no counseling.

Your second was your failure to re-ignite the engine that brought you to where you are.- Yep, read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will re-inforce the point above, and you'll see that telling his story, her story, the story of the marriage, and the story of the affair are the best way to get back to what you had before you slept with another man.

Your third, was attempting to rationalize your failure,. in front of a few thousand readers. - I wasn't convinced and it looks like not many others were either. Read "Not Just Friends." Most women that get involved in an extra-marital sexual affair are already checked out of the marriage and not coming back. She shot her marriage in the face when it was already on life support and it never recovered because her "counselor" was probably doing more harm than good, and now she needs to rationalize her guilt and look cool at the water cooler.

I've been sober for 25 years. I know rationalization very well and recognized it straight off the bat. Marriage isn't dead or outdated, just very challanged by the few good points she brings up. We are more selfish these days because we can be. We are more discontent because we are exposed to more external stimulus to feed our discontent. There's a common thread in this article and most of the links from it. Married couples not having sex or very little sex. Folks, my wife and I talk about it all the time. You have to make love to maintain love. I need to make love with my wife like I need to eat. It reconnects us and it is soothing to my soul!

I'm going to risk a flame war and just come out and say it. God will help you and your spouse maintain your marriage if you ask him because He not only likes marriage but He likes married people having sex. My wife of 19 years and I mix in occasionally praying before, sometimes during, and usually after sex as the spirit moves us. Give it a try, but be prepared to regain consciousness in a sweaty sheet ball!

I don't get all the bla bla about all the "work" that goes into marriage. To me, it's much easier to be married than not. Whiners

Well stated Corsair977.

To quote my female College Sociology Professor:

"Divorce became prevalent in American Society when women started viewing divorce as a right."

The authors justification for immoral behavior mirrors that of the homosexual movement in that the Gay and Lesbian coalition insist that their lifestyle is not a choice and therefore not their responsibility.

I concur. The author is petulant, spoiled and frankly, a rather long winded gas bag who is only trying to justify the fact that, after dedicating 20 years of his life to one woman, she cheated on her husband. Period! She doesn't have time to work on her marriage? What about all the free time she had when she was off trysting with her boyfriend? Maybe if she had met up with her husband in a bar, gotten him a litlle drunk, took him to a hotel and ravaged him, instead of the other guy, she wouldn't have to tell the world about her failures, and instead could go against the grain, and do something truly unique: report on the SUCCESS of her marriage.

I would probably agree with most of this article, even if it is from the female point of view. As many have written, there are two sides to every story, and if one side is screwed up chances are the other helped them there. I too suffer from an apathetic spouse, who is dedicated to her "side" and is a good Mom while doing a fair job as a partner, cares very little about self image, other opinions on this and other topics surrounding the relationship, and resists any effort to change. I am expected to accept all she is or refuses to offer unconditionally and without complaint. So, fine... AND I know that I am far from perfect.

HOWEVER... The discussions about the idea of just letting go because its better for all concerned (or rationalization, if you will), is overly simplistic and childlike. As the male in this scenario, this is what I would have to look forward to: No chance at custody, 21% minimum of my GROSS income gone to child support, not tax deductable with no fiscal accountability on the part of the Mother, losing my home, alimony, and destruction of my benefits and retirement. Thats just the singular idea of my not starving to death and sleeping on a cot in a basement apartment. We havent even discussed being ostrasized from friends and family.

Here's the thing: I fully acknowledge my responsibilities. I want to continue to be a part of my childrens lives. I am fully capable of being a positive force in my kids lives and can devote as much time and resources as my spouse. I am NOT suggesting that I should walk away untouched, BUT, as most divorced males will tell you, once the process began, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And it is sanctioned by the law. The author seems fairly progressive in her writing, and doesnt detail what either party gave up in this process. However, that doesnt speak of the majority. Shattered Glass ceilings, womens lib, and equal rights for all go out the window when you enter family court. I would have had to be married to a crack addicted, bi-polar, satan worshipper (and that would probably be construed as a right to express whatever religion she chose) in order to be able to maintain a lifestyle other than abject poverty. This isnt drama, this is a working class fact. The courts see to it that I got married, and now I need to be punished.

Bottom line: as long as we are both willing to pass each other day to day smiling and having our occasional "romantical" moments, It's cheaper to keep her.

all true. self-justification such as this author engaged in is nothing more than comfort for her own failures. it doesn't matter what gender has the affair, the result is generally the failure of the marriage.

would this article have been published if it had been written by a male? i think not!

I couldn't have said it better myself.  It looked like a very long explanation and excuse for her failure.  What a sad case.  What ever happend to commitment?  Till death do us part?  She worked harder on her explanation than her marriage, it seems.

I have to say the no sex thing would be a huge issue, maybe even a deal breaker, but I'd sure have some major discussions with my husband before it got to an affair or worse.

This woman and her friends appear to me to be going through a mid-life crisis and not managing it well. Their impatience and laziness is astonishing.

Too much work? What if one applied that to the kids or work? Seem to have the energy for that. How is the relationship with a life partner of 20 years less important? They want a new, exciting, romantic partner like some guys lust after a new, hot car. So they are going to tear it all down with a giant sledge hammer, thinking there is some grand new world out there they are missing. Reality check, Ladies. Especially ladies in their 40's? You gals are going to be facing some very stiff competion.

Bottom line: 10 years from now, I think they are all going to look back at what they had and what they threw away and regret it bitterly.

I'm here to debunk the notion that marriage is something that must be entered into or even saved. As we all should know by now-life is not static. It is an ever changing evolving process, that in order to successfully navigate, one must be willing to evolve with it. Marriage is a very old institution, it hasn't evolved with the changing landscape that represents today's society. Let's start with life expectancy, who etched it in stone that you now should have to live and share your life with one partner for 50 years or more of your life, assuming you get married in your 20's. Most of us can't wait to leave our parents home after a mere 18 years, half of those years spent in the mindless daze of adolecense. We would all like to win the financial lottery, but who is ever lucky enough to win the lottery of love, that provides you with an individual who grows and evolves in a chronological mirroring of your own maturation process-good luck! It has already been proven that women and men's maturation processes are significantly different. So when a man gets roped into marriage because he inadvertantly gets some women pregnant, or a woman who he is happily dating delivers him an ultimatum, because her biological clock is in 'code red'. Are people truly marrying an individual suitable to their mutual long term growth and maturity or are they victims of circumstance? Then there is the whole financial aspect of marriage that has been completely turned on its head in the last two decades. Most women no longer need a spouse to rely on financially. Unlike men, women will always be burdened with their "biological clock" egging them on (no pun intended), to find a suitable man in which to procreate with. Studies have conclusively shown, that hormones have a far greater impact in determining this than your cerebral criteria. That is why it seems that women don't have a "type" of man they look for. Because it shifts in accordance with your biological needs, which is on a quest to find the partner that will provide the necessary "seed" in order to give birth to the smartest and strongest children and hopefully ensure a secure future for your children-which usually meant a man who is financially secure, however, that has changed, now that women are working. Lastly, we must take into account the worst of all human foibles when it comes to marriage, complacency. Do you remember when you first start dating, each date in essence becomes a job interview, where you want to put on your best impression, because you didn't only want to get the man/woman to like you, but you wanted to make sure you kept him/her interested. Therefore, why is it, that once a man or woman gets a document stating they are now legally man and wife, that they no longer feel obligated to keep up the good impressions?

Personally, I feel that if the institution of marriage is to survive, it must adapt to the changing political and social mores of society. It must no longer be something a woman enters into for financial reasons, but instead, create a legally binding-financial compact for both parties to ensure they take care of the children if they choose to co-habitate, instead of marriage. Lastly, if the love/respect for your partner no longer exists, get out of the marriage, the odds are you married someone unsuitable to your master plans and you ARE NOT going to be able to change them. Find someone more suitable!! Remember, life is all about choices, and society can be very influential in getting people to think a certain way, however, life evolves constantly, and you can choose to evolve with it. As for the people who insist it's all about sacrifice and sticking it out through thick or thin-I've got some great 8-track tapes I can sell you.

Craig,

So your point is that people should follow fads?

In nowhere in your retort did you mention the words commitment, or responsibility. Sounds like you are to blinded by the loud music and bright lights to notice that life is fleeting.

Get over yourself butch; it's not about you.

No Backbone looser. While her husband worked his butt off traveling, she was out banging anyone who would hold still long enough. Typical, now she wants to just cop out. what a weak, worthless looser. She should improve the gene pool by removing herself from it.

The word is "loser", not "looser", sheesh.

I'm sorry to say I didn't have the time or stomach to read all this 'stuff'; I agree with the original poster's three comments, wonderful assessment. I'll add that all that rationalization merely is to create the company that misery loves.

There are secrets to a non self-absorbed life, and the fruits from the work required, that Mrs (?) Loh will never know.

thats true evryone knows as soon as u try to get a counseler your skrewd because thay want u to fail what thay realy do is focus the mind of the one whos starting the problem and just slowly feeding the fire untel u just fail thats all thay do sometimes but i mean 1 in 100 couples will make it ether 1: thay really tried to work things out or2: thay were to stupid to fall under the counselrs mind trick!

Your first mistake was the expense of a "counselor".

Your second was your failure to re-ignite the engine that brought you to where you are.

Your third, was attempting to rationalize your failure,. in front of a few thousand readers

I agree with your 3rd mistake. The first mistake is hidden in one of her 1st paragraphs, she then goes on and on about the failures in the marriage

This turn of events was a surprise. I don’t generally even enjoy men; I had an entirely manageable life and planned to go to my grave taking with me, as I do most nights to my bed, a glass of merlot and a good book. Cataclysmically changed, I disclosed everything. We cried, we bewailed the fate of our children.

She doesn't "enjoy men"...

The first mistake is not knowing what you really want in life. Why do you get married? And this goes to both partners, are you willing to compromise.

It is not about having monogamous or polyamourous sexuality.

Do you want to be married? and

Why?

If you do not have a good answer to both of those questions.... don't do it.

Sex is secondary.

For the record:

42... never been married... not sad about it.

My great aunt did not marry until she was 65... they had 17 years together before she died.

Corsair's words tell it all.  Let's blame society, career, the spouse, the job but where is the self evaluation that tells us how lazy we are.  She shows herself to be a self absorbed individual that claims, "what's in it for me".  Growing up is hard to do.

Corsair's words tell it all.  Let's blame society, career, the spouse, the job but where is the self evaluation that tells us how lazy we are.  She shows herself to be a self absorbed individual that claims, "what's in it for me".  Growing up is hard to do.

This lady needs some tissues for her issues.

The authors justification for immoral behavior mirrors that of the homosexual movement in that the Gay and Lesbian coalition insist that their lifestyle is not a choice and therefore not their responsibility.

That's because being gay isn't a choice anymore then being straight is. Because my sexuality is different does not mean that I ARRIVED at it differently. Now personal responsibility is a whole separate matter. Everyone should have that whether they are married or single. And if you are married, then you have a double responsibility because you have a responsibility to spouse as well. Sadly, as the South Carolina Governor just showed, a lot of people don't understand that responsibility.

one other thing is women,influance each other to much and well if u have a group of women and there all married and one of them divorcesher husband, the other women r gonna want to do the same thing! its a true process that i've seen a million times,for example, my aunt was married for 15 years, a very good realationship then her friend got divorced ,so guess what?lter on my aunty started having problems and she got divorced and the sad part about it is that she made a huge mistake and she dosent exept it ,its proces that just has to stop!

Absolutely right. Obsolete indeed.

The cow. The tart.

The reader should know that most marriages are not dizzily happy ever after. Lust and obsession leave, but RESPECT FOR ONE ANOTHER can and does stay forever--and that is never obsolete.

Go back home and make your man happy.

cheating on your husband or wife is an act of self gratification to the max, I have been there, I thought having a hot sexual affair would take me out of my boredom.....it did just for a little while, At the time I did not considered the suffering of my children who even now, in their late twenties still want a family, a home of two parents to come to in their time of loneliness looking for the love and the stability of two people who may give firmness to their journey in this life. I went away because my ex- became dull, he wanted to sit in front on the tv instead of taking walks or going to a concert. I felt in love with a fabulous man who took me to concerts, walks, offered me romance and a new life.....but after long he also became dull, put on weight, do not want to go to concerts, walks and romance.....he is too lazy to even try. I went around on a circle and now I see that there is no escape, we must fight the life of boredom, and divorce again???, or otherwise create the fun, the happiness, the goodness; consider, see and love your partner from a different perpective, value him/her for the real self; create the fun, newness, love him/her as you love at first, go beyond from the conditional to the unconditional love, which is though. I say to this woman author, don't be a coward, I was a selfish coward and I gave my children nothing but pain instead of giving them support and behave as a strong woman, our older women who "put up" with the short comings of men and live without having self and instant gratification were right for they enjoy later in life the love and respect of their children.

Porn can become a serious addiction and is the cause of many unhappy relationships. When a partner no longer needs sex from the other because they are masturbating to porn, the marriage becomes very frustrated. Just because the media says it's normal(porn and masturbating) doesn't mean they are correct. The evidence is clear that pornography destroys marriage!

So tired of hearing that marriage is obsolete or a failed institution! Why?! Because the components in the institution refuse to behave?! We constantly read about failed marriages and don't pay attention to the ones that have not failed. I have three sets of friends that have been married 50 plus years and are best of friends still! We just celebrated my parents 50th and it was awesome. I am married 20 yrs and am happier now that I was when I first married. You have to choose to make the commitment and choose to make it permanant. I have romance, sex and my best friend. It is wonderful! Make the right choices and STICK WITH THEM! It is that easy.

just started reading this topic...corsair hit the nail on the head with his comments...marriage is a bad idea for a man in so many ways that the writer of this article never touched on...and all men / husbands / fathers are not effeminate uber-efficient men which is what she seems to be implying tho she does'nt directly say that...in many places she came with a "women now want to have their cake and eat it too" attitude...the multiple males, the matrilineal focus on the family and family values...she says in the beginning that it's not good to have multiple partners..."it's just icky" and at the end it's "bring in the boyfriends to cook, clean and do the heavy lifting...it's contradictory...but it is the perfect view of the mind set of the women who inhabit MILFLAND...they cat around while hubby's in the office...or...they cat around at the office while hubby is making the 4 course dinner and getting the kids from practice...but i don't think that many women will have the cojones to call that sexism...

Milf land

I have been watching them

The mommies

Single and bored

With the flavor of the day

Star struck at starbucks

Strolling with a stroller

An image of the gardener

Or the pool boy

In their mind’s eye

Baby cries and nanny calls

One wants attention

And the other money

Mommy at home

Lost in the lifetime channel

Living the movie

She thought was her life

Gasping for oxygen

The hubby’s secretary

Rises in her suspicions

Like any leviathan from the deep

And she dares not look

Under the bed of his affair

For she knows the crushed marriage

Lies there

I see them

Looking like everything’s perfect

Like it was an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue

That they were living in

But I know better

I live in milf land

I know how they are

Or did you think

Peyton place

Was a fictional location?

D Jones 2003

The most dangerous thing one can do is to take any one impulse of their own nature and set it up as the thing they ought to follow at all costs. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. No feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually does not last… But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from “being in love” — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

She's going for her 15 minutes of fame... marriage fizzled due to lack of effort on both partners. Obviously, changing careers wasn't an option for her husband so that he could be with her more.

A great marriage takes work folks, but couples today often aren't willing to put in the work required. They lay blame on society for their broken marriage.

SPOT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

What?? The author feels some angst and decides to exercise her demons by writing her transgressions down on paper?

Yes, marriages in this country do break down and fall apart. As the author tries to describe her thoughts and feelings, I'm struck with the idea that she just doesn't get it. Basic Psych 101 has always discussed the differences in mental make-up between men and women when they cheat. And yes ladies reading the article, she cheated because in the end she was unsure of how she felt about her husband. In the end, that still does not make it right.

If this article was to justify herself by giving us the notion that a long-term or life long marriage is "outdated", then you might just as well as say that consideration for others, truth, and honor are also outdated concepts. If she was a stronger person, she should have left her husband, BEFORE she slept with her fling. It would have shown him the respect he deserves (and yes, the same goes for all men who would cheat on their wives, there is no double-standard here).

Anything further beyone the intial act of cheating was a feeble attempt at bandaging her conscience. This is not very different from the therapy act of writing your problems down on paper and then ripping them up. As if, this would somehow give her the power over her act and somehow lessen the effect on her psyche.

I know nothing about this person, other than the fact she cheated on her husband, and in essence her children. As far as I'm concerned, that's all I need to know about her. She becomes just one more of the failed individuals surrounding us everyday. In the end, regardless of the reason, someone who is that dishonest with his/her spouse has a lack of character that just isn't needed in our lives. This is like a recovering drug addict who did drugs for years. I'm happy that they are off of drugs, but they aren't the folks I wish to bring into my inner circle of friends and collegues.

This may sound very judgemental to many of you, and it is. What this article fails to discuss is the fact that are many....many folks who do not cheat. I have seen many times where people of character end the relationship before they stray, and in the end, it's people of character I choose to surround myself with. You'll need to make your own decisions.

Love is a decision, it is not a feeling. I think this is the first mistake people make. When someone loves they are willing to give everything to the one in which they love. This requires sacrifice, self-giving, unselfishness, the desire for the other to be happy and better. If this is to much work then stay unmarried and please don't have any children. They need a selfless love as well.

This article reminds me of something my father told me about back in the mid 80's. There was a blizzard and my step brother had become sick. The family went to the emergency room where there were about 50 men lined up on the seats along the wall. They all had bandages on their hands.

At the end of the hall was a guy holding up a bloody bandaged hand, talking to a news crew. He was saying, "Yep, I was just using a stick to knock the snow out of the chute and my hand gets sucked right down inside. Took two of my fingers right off. It was so cold I didn't really even feel it. I was hoping to find them before I came here, but I was losing blood so they are out in my driveway somewhere."

Displaying our foolishness and pain to the world is the right of those seeking comfort despite feeling foolish. As a two time divorcee I can sympathize. However, to the points made at the end of the article, while it might be somehow desireable for a band of women to co-habitate and have the guys over for "food, shelves and sex" I find women make MUCH better room mates than the guys.

Being able to accept each other long enough to hop on the internet, drink too much and get tired enough to crash next to each other even if there is a big disagreement seems to be the balm of all successful relationship these days. Or perhaps it's the TV or a good book. No matter how you slice it, it just takes having no desire to go out and hunt for young minded sex partners who want you and your 40ish roll of flab. Hunting for someone who can accept that you are becoming tired and broken down and are not so interested in raising the flag when they flip their bangs your way.

I have to say though, while I am currently in a committed and monogamous relationship and happy, when I was single between marriages, I would have loved to meet the women in the article. 2 years without sex? Probably would have made for an awsome weekend away in the Carribbean on a secluded beach with me at the time. Of course, I didn't know what a vacation really was until I met my current wife and love. Interestingly, we have been together six years and yet we were married for 9 months and divorced. In the first two years of our time together.

Turns out we are happier being unmarried (see the U.S. tax regulations related to incomes over a certain limit and the "marriage tax") and that we are nearly a perfect couple, with the exception of a few key elements. My kids from the first marriage cause a great deal of stress and strife in this relationship. (The other reason for divorce #2, when ex #1 might have a chance to add two salaries together, and even if not supportable legally, it would be ugly to have to divulge all that income to public documents...)

So while I sympathize with our author, I have to say that the bane of existance in my mind is that women are more demanding than ever and men are too compliant. Not true for the bad cases, and I give a nod to those baneful and abusive relations, but not what I am talking about. I feel that in todays world so many women are like spoiled little girls stamping their feet because they don't get the romance novel love they always wanted.

Those muslim men seem so much more attractive because they resemble the romance novel's manly images, but they are also the ones that end with women in vales and subjugated to "God's" will. (Ok, stereotyping again, sorry to the bearded manly muslim men out there, but we compliant men are prone to bitching first and appologizing later rather than being PC.)

Well anyway, the world is a strange place and I just wish that we could go back to the mindset that allowed Robert Heinlein to coin the term "contract marriage". He espoused that people should select the term of a relationship and account ahead of time for all the childrearing issues before ever getting married. It would make for better kids, but Lawyers would get the short end of the stick. No more murderous marriage dissolutions where they make hundreds of thousands of dollars on the ill will factor of unexpected breakups.

me and myspouse have been together since 1984. come hell and high water we have waded through all of it. just when we thought we didn't agree on a problem we accepted the facts. we all see things differently and never put aside the reason we married. love, friendship, sex and acceptance of our individual opinions. Time is to short to toss away 20 somewhat years but it happens.

When it's over, it's over.

The moment you care more about your own well being and not your spouse, is the moment your marriage is doomed!

Its a sad day in this world when ONE opinion of this lady's boing marriage speaks for all marriages. So what if her marriage failed, so what if she was bored with men, so what about her counselor, its her marriage not the world's!!

Marriage is still good, inspite of this lady's view on it!!! Maybe she should get a dog to keep her happy or continue to read her books!!!

When one looks for answers to life in magazine articles du jour it's bound to screw up life for someone else.

The moment you care more about your own well being and not your spouse, is the moment your marriage is doomed!

That's not how they saw it 100 years ago.

Two words for this lady, "EXTREME MAKEOVER!"

Just can't seem to get past the "Cheating" part. There is no justifiable "infidelity". Cheating is cheating. Until the divorce is final - for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. All the families effected (infected). Immediate (children), unsuspecting spouse, parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws - and now the families of the other party involved. Selfishness destroys . After 23 years of marriage - I too get to join the "divorced husband pool" and my son "the divorced parents" pool. Just because of someone who took advantage of weakness. That party deserves no respect either. "Dirty Sanchez". What goes around, comes around. This is a hard one to ask for the strength for forgiveness.

I I I I I I I, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me. Lost count how often those 2 words were used in this article. Her husband is better off.

There is a different between love and lust. Hopefully she finds someone just like herself. She deserves it!

Just WHO is this woman trying to hoodwink here? She is a self indulging hack who simply chose to abandon her marriage because she couldn't get a grip on her mid-life changes. Her 47-year old "newly empowered womanhood" actions REEK of perimenopausal behavior as does all the poor and destructive decisions and personal conduct that accompanies it. It sickens me that "Sybil" here tries to make HERSELF the victim in all this and then worse yet has the audacity to try and pull other women riding the fence over into her corner. Oh, hooray, hooray!! Oh, you savior and champion of female independence, you!! Fly!! Be free!! Sadly, the REAL victims here are your husband and kids... all because you live in a world of denial and refused to do anything about trying to manage your raging hormones. I can only imagine what your husband went through if he <<gasp>> left a dish in the sink or missed a corner of the floor with the vacuum cleaner. God forbid if he asked you if you needed help with cooking breakfast. Oh, the shame and disgust of such an act!! I should give you my ex's number... and the two of you can both thump your chests about how you rescued your own middle-aged female sovereignty from the evil clutches of that horrible thing called "marriage." GOOD husbands everywhere should be saying "good bye and good riddance" to caustic hormonal lunatics like you.

I completely agree with Corsair 977! Well said!

This woman is a selfish "whatever" and, in my opinion, not worth the effort it takes to befriend, listen to, like or love. To be extremely blunt: she is a waste of oxygen, everyone else could be breating right now!

I feel sorry for the poor guy who actually gave his love to her. She is def not deserving!

I've been married 25 years, been in and out of love with my husband several times. Currently, in love. With any person, you will have some issues in the relationship. Fought, argued, and went through problems most couples do, maybe more, actually. So, yes not good for kids to see, but at least they know you don't get divorced over that. I believe that unless abuse, illegal activity, drugs is occurring, work it out. I always put my kids' needs first, and worked it out each time. Never seriously considered divorce. And after 25 years, (1) kid just graduated college, (1) kid just finished freshman year in college, and (1) still in H.S., I am so glad that I put my kids first. TIP to people considering divorce: Fake it till you make it...go out with your spouse and hold hands...kiss and make love. You will be back in love quicker than you think...Nobody will be as special as the person whom you bore children with. Aren't your kids worth it? YOU are worth it!

Being married is more than meeting needs- more than sex and chores, more than co existing and raising kids- it seems like she's minimizing marriage in hopes of minimizing her responsibility. Marriage is a commitment- commitments aren't always fun or convenient, but they are what keeps us accountable to others and ourselves- companionship is vital to our survival- these are all good reasons for why marriage has been around for so long... not just so women can have babies (as we can all see- marraige is not necessary for that to occur) When you are embarking on a journey with someone else- you are taking along everything that makes them who they are- and they are taking on all that you are too- NONE of us are perfect, or are always easy to get along with, or easy to talk to, or always hold up our end of the bargain- We are all just people- Women aren't victims anymore than men are- People make choices and with choices come consequences... I kind of think that's one of the big underlying issues in the world today- people hate taking responsibility and no one wants to be held accountable yet everyone wants to point the finger at someone or something else!... witches hunting withches! The "institution" of marriage is not outdated- it's updated- our lifestyles and needs have changed and vary from couple to couple- it takes work to figure out how to tread through this new terrain together- So she didn't want to try anymore- okay...whatever, but trying to say marriage is obsolete because she couldn't figure out how to be happy in her's- is like me saying that baseball sucks just because I can't play! ( BTW there is no crying in baseball !)

"You rarely see men's magazines exhorting men to rekindle the romance."

Sorry, but that's bull5hi+.

I will say that magazines marketed at men usually aren't as neurosis-inducing as magazines marketed at women (ex. while men's mags have the 'how to tell if your partner is cheating' articles, they have yet to descend to the 'how to tell if your significant other is secretly homosexual' articles). Both audiences suffer the onslaught of pictures and articles that seek to undermine body image and promise a cure to this unsightly blemish for a "negligible" cover fee (or through advertising deals with partners who sell products that promise beauty miracles). They also set the bar unrealistically high (as in pie in the sky) in terms of what people can expect (or should I say demand) from others, particularly their significant others. With the exception of health magazines (although some of those mags seem to be marketed to hypochondriacs), people should stop reading these magazines and stop taking advice from talking heads and so-called experts.

While I do believe that lifelong, committed partnerships are generally markedly more positive than negative, as I've said a few times before, I do not think marriage is a viable institution at present. While unwed couples are more common today, there needs to be an all-out paradigm shift. From the engagement ring at the beginning to the alimony at the end, marriage does not hold up to a cost-benefit analysis. Many of the equitable benefits can be accomplished through other, more sound legal contracts. Why attach yourself to institution that harshly and unevenly punishes failure (and to some degree success), yet has such a high failure rate? It makes about as much sense as giving a diamond engagement ring (which was not a common occurrence until the De Beers diamond company introduced it to the masses as a marketing ploy approximately 80 years ago, the De Beers company also being the one who stipulated the two to three months salary provision) or giving a "push present" (What, having a healthy child isn't reward enough? Maybe I should be paid for the charity work I do then.). I don't ask for a dowry, so please spare me the "tradition" of diamond engagement rings.

If you have really strong religious feelings about marriage you will probably disagree, but marriage is a fool's bet. Stable, loving, long-term relationships don't require the label of 'marriage', and don't particularly benefit from it either in the face of alternatives after everything is said and done. By all means, find someone to spend the rest of your life with, whom you will love, honour and respect, and who will do the same towards you, but don't get married.

I certainly encourage individuals to consider entering into a lifelong, faithful romantic partnerships with others, should they find the right person, and for them to work towards that end. Humankind has been around for millennia, and after all that time there is no such thing as a novel take on relationships. It has all been tried. Humanity keeps coming back to aiming for fidelity and single-partner, lifelong relationships, not because they are the perfect solution, but because they are generally the best solution. But marriage is currenlty a broken institution (and perhaps always has been) and not worth it.

Sandra Loh is a babbling idiot. I am sorry to be so blunt but really, just because you are a writer and know big words, wow, shut-up and listen to yourself. I too am an author and I hope I never come off like this when I am speaking or interviewed. It has certainly made me take inventory of myself with a determination to be very careful when expressing myself. Good luck and I am sure you will get the publicity you are seeking from this due to the pretentious world we live in. If readers want to be encouraged and get a glimpse of how precious life and relationships are, read my books for heaven's sake, "Falling into Faith" and "Trouble, Triumph, and Truth."

(Interestingly, according to EnlightenNext magazine, some northern European women are reportedly eschewing their progressive northern European male counterparts and dating Muslims, who are more like “real men.”)

A few studies have also shown that some of the women (in these other surveys) who profess to preferring that men be emotionally open (i.e. that men not hide sorrow and the display of other feelings that can be regarded as weakness), once actually confronted with this, are disquieted by it.

People often wish to be free of gender stereotypes while still trying to enforce them upon others. There may be some appealing aspects to such stereotypes, certainly much negative to them, but throw in a little pop culture indiscriminate (and somewhat nonsagacious) liberalism and religious reactionary (and somewhat closeminded) conservatism and it becomes a very confusing and combustible mix. While there are many differences between the United States and the Roman Empire, there are many similarities as well. Pornography and piety, decadence and militarism.

I think US commitment (i.e. the lack thereof) issues (whether in love or politics) reflect a larger social identity confusion.

my confessed extramarital affair

Is it too much to ask that people cleanly break off one intimacy before starting another?

The point she made to any young person reading this is simply, it's okay to be a whore because marriage isn't fun. I'm so sick of this "If it feels good, do it" attitude in America today. Not only is she possibly the worst "author" I've ever read, she is whiney and babbles on hoping to make a point. This article could have been reduced to a few paragraphs.

I read the article, and I wish I could have those few minutes of my life back.

Just because marriage didn't work for her doesn't mean that getting married is a mistake for everyone. Frankly, the author's self-absorbed assumptions and whining just bore me.

Don't worry about the children - they will be fine. And bless you for getting out of the marriage and freeing your children's father to find a real adult to spend his life with. He is a very lucky man now.

>> my final piece of advice: avoid marriage — or you too may suffer the emotional pain, the humiliation, and the logistical difficulty, not to mention the expense, of breaking up a long-term union at midlife for something as demonstrably fleeting as love.

Ahhh, poor, poor baby! How you must need someone to console you and tell you that you are so, so right. You are an idiot--if you do not like marriage, don't do it again. If you can't stand the pain of being the "victim" of a horrible joke like marriage, don't do it again. However, your emotions, your problems, your "rights and wrongs" are not everyone's. Grow up at 47.

This is the problem with our society--everyone must be protected from emotional trauma!!! Ohh, how horrible if we should experience emotional distress or lose something we had for so many years. Soon, we'll be suing doctors over natural death, or the vet because he couldn't bring back our pet, or PETA for not protecting the bugs enough!!!

Getting out of a bad marriage, whether you were the cause or not, that is fine. As corsair said, don't rationalize in front of your readers by telling us in 10,000 words or less all the crap you believe we are killing ourselves over. "A simpler time" or not compared to today, do not generalize your guidance for those who are capable of moving on.

I say, get a hanky, blow your nose, wipe your eyes, hate men for a while, and then either find someone else, don't find someone else, find a same-sex partner, or get a pet you can treat like a human being--I really don't care, but everyone in the media needs to quit espousing "WE'RE ALL VICTIMS!" Maybe the victims need to start going to prison so we can all get back to belonging to the human race where we do get hurt, we do get "damaged", and we either do or don't get over it without trying to get back at everyone.

Sex is the glue that keeps marriages together. No sex....no marriage. I have been married 30 years...monogamous too... two years of no sex just would not have happened. Don't tell me about physical problems I know that may happen. You have to make time for sex. If it is not important than you can expect the marriage to fail.

Well... another quixotic, anti-productive and completely extremist view from MSNBC's Far-Right owned media, to stir up dissension within the ignorant minority.

It has been some time since I've seen so much text that said so little, with the possible exception of an Obama speech of course. Yeah, I had 15 minutes to kill so I slogged through this drivel. Judging from the mass quantity of dead verbiage in this "article", I'd tend to think she probably talked the poor husband nearly to death each day only to wonder where the action went.

I'm glad the readers of this incoherent babble posing as an actual news article haven't been fooled. This is what the article boils down to; I couldn't keep my pants on therefore the concept of marriage should be done away with.

It's very, very telling when a person, instead of looking inward, cast blame on everyone and everything else. Maybe just maybe your marrige failed not because the institution itself is broken, maybe your marriage failed because of you?

n'ah, it's clearly everyone else's fault that I failed. I bet the author's husband is still hung over from celebrating being rid of her. God knows I would.

so are children and family and religion and social groups helping each other. Let's all just party like they'll be no tomorrow keep our selves sated. When nature calls to collect on that debt, I hope you won't go out as a whiner.

Well, I dont agree with anything you have said but I aprpeciate your opinion. I just don't need anyones blessing or license to prove that I am dedicated and in love with one person. I guess some people need the reassurance,.....I dont

ah, then you misspoke. You don't think marriage is outdated. You believe in all the tenets and obligations, you just disagree with the bureaucracy involved. With that I'd have to agree with one stipulation. Marriage is a protection for one partner who's other partner suddenly decides to bail on the other and hurts them and their family in the process. Without the legal protections of marriage, people can be permantently harmed at the whim of one person. That person may not be you, but that doesn't make the protection outdated unless you consider everyone in the world as morally upright as you're willing to be. Do you?

It is not reassurance. It is a legally binding and public affirmation of a lifelong commitment to another human being. it is a vow, made before all, that you have chosen to stay together better or worse. In a way, it is throwing down the gauntlet on your relationship and commitment to one another.

So your lifelong commitment needs to be legaly binding? Do you know how easy it is to get a divorce? There is nothing "binding" about marriage.

"You believe in all the tenets and obligations, you just disagree with the bureaucracy involved."

Which to me means its outdated. Could use some amendments or addendums.

Actually krock, because I do understand the meaning of the word "vow", it is not an easy matter to get divorced. This world has embraced the idea of "starter marriages", of excuses to get out of marriage easily, the idea of "ME!". For them yeah it is easy to get out of marriage.

The lesser binding of my lifelong commitment is the legal one. It is a piece of paper that gives me the ability to add my wife and kids to my healthcare, and allows me to file taxes in a particular way. Like any piece of paper it can be torn, burned, lost, etc.

krock, this may not be your case, but many of the people I meet who are against the idea of formal weddings are afraid to make the jump, to make the commitment to really do so. Maybe that is you, maybe it isn't. There are a lot of different people in this world and we all have our motivations.

However, to me my wedding ceremony was a sort of "coming out" where I publicly stated my vows to my wife and my intent before God and our friends and family to forever put her needs ahead of my own whether it is convient to me or not. I vowed to consider her needs before mine and to forever give up my right to "what's best for me" in favor of "whats best for us". It is a public affirmation of that commitment that existed in the same level of conviction the day before, of, and after my wedding.

rrobeson,

If anything marriage is what hurts people. For those who agree to separate it brings in legal issues that often could have been left at the door without such a contract. But the worst is when both parties cannot agree to separate, and even worse when they stay together for the sake of the marriage. Unless you're religious, there is no moral high ground in suffering through a bad marriage.

No one contract can fullfill the needs of everyone, yet this is what marriage tries to do. Realistically there needs to be more options. Prenuptuals are not enough. It's also very deceitful that marriage is presented as being entwined with love. People fall in love all the time without being married or getting married, they are two separate things. We should start treating them separately, because clearly marriage is not for everybody.

Whatever. Thanks for all your input.

This whole article and discussion is really for those who have soured on the marriage idea.

I'm not going to jump on the divorce or abolish-marriage bandwagon because some broad has an affair and then is surprised her marriage is over or because some "study" tells me it's obsolete.

That's just foolishness. Nope. I'm sticking with my guy. Better or worse, just like the vow I made. We're pretty darn happy and no "study" is going to tell me otherwise, thank you very much.

Krock,

I just don't need anyones blessing or license to prove that I am dedicated and in love with one person. I guess some people need the reassurance,.....I dont

I absolutely agree with this. My boyfriends parents have been together for 25 years, have 3 kids, and guess what they are not married. They love each other and they too do not feel the need to have a license to prove it. I know a lot of other couples who have been together for a long time and feel the same way. My boyfriend and I seem to be continuing this trend, since we have been together and been living together for awhile and we are very happy and have no marriage plans in sight :) Who needs a license? We know that we love each other and are committed, and that is all that matters.

Krock, got to disagree with you here. I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 35 years! We have two grown kids and three wonderful grandsons. My wife and I still love each other immensely. This is not to say we have not had our bad times and up and downs, because we have, but we both made the commitment to stay together. I came from a broken home, as my parents split when I was 5 years old. I was raised by my mother and maternal grandmother. My wife's father was an ordained Southern Baptist preacher. I swore I would do my utmost to make sure my kids did not have to go through what I did growing up. My wife understood this from the beginning and we made it work. It can be done. That is why I find what this woman says to be the height of hypocrisy. She screwed up and tries to justify herself to the world after doing so. This woman talks about her husband being gone so much. Give me break! I spent 20 years in the military and was gone a lot myself. Because of the nature of my work, I was subject to immediate recall 24/7 and kept a set of bags packed and ready at all times. When I got the call, I would go home, kiss my wife and kids goodbye for an unknown period of time, as I could not tell my family how long I'd be gone or when I was coming back. Many times, my wife watched me walk out the door and not know if she would see me alive again! To me, my wife is one of the bravest people I know! But she accepted it as part of the package. She did not like it but she accepted it. I feel I am one of the luckiest people in the world. This is why I cannot accept what Tsing Loh is trying to tell people.

I'm with Krock. Some people don't need to have a legal document as a security blanket, they are committed without it. There isn't a damn bit of difference in my telling a woman I won't cheat, whether I've signed a piece of paper or not. Paper won't stop someone from cheating, good morals do.

And as to the comment about it allowing someone to add their wife and kids to their insurance? It only allows you to add your wife, you don't need to be married to include your kids.

That document was designed to protect the other party who invests their life and time with someone else in a life-long commitment, that their rights to common property be protected by the law. My marriage to my wife of 15 wonderful years was not based on a document but on a commitment before GOD. As we have fought as a team to build our lives together and raise our children in this dangerous world, I LOVE HER more now than when I first realized I loved her.

If marriage is so out dated why are so many gay and lesbian couples so anxious to make it legal? There are legal rights that come with a legal marriage. Many unmarried couples think because they are living together for several years they are in a common law marriage which is not the case, very few states offer this. If you are not married but living together you might want to investigate what rights and benefits you are giving up.

"If marriage is so out dated why are so many gay and lesbian couples so anxious to make it legal?"

Excellent point!

Tired Citizen, you hit the proverbial nail right on the head. You did a much better job of getting across than I did. Thanks!

Marriage is a contract made to protect children. Raising children is our main job. I know that's old fashioned, and not in keeping with today's me, me, me culture, but it's just the plain fact. Children do best in a stable home with a mother and father, simple deal.

I don't know in what universe you live in, but getting a divorce is hard as hell. Especially when there are children involved. it is a world twister.

Oh and for everyone out there who keeps saying that marriage is about children, no it isn't. There are thousands if not millions of couples who get married and DON'T have children either because they don't want to, or they can't and don't like the idea or the hassle of adoption. if marriage was about raising children, the single people or unmarried couples wouldn't be allowed to adopt and many many childrend have been raised just fine in single parent families.

Guys get it though your head, Marriage maybe the oldest form of commitment, but that is what it is. a commitment to each other that you won't be a total jerk off towards your partner and that you acutally want to spend your life with one person and on person only. That's all it is. That is all it will ever be.

Marriage is a contract made to protect children. Raising children is our main job. I know that's old fashioned, and not in keeping with today's me, me, me culture, but it's just the plain fact. Children do best in a stable home with a mother and father, simple deal.

That is untrue.

There are quite a few parents who stay together without the legal contract... and there are couples who are married for many years and never had children.

Marriage does not guarantee stability.

Divorce however tends to guarantee total upheaval, pain, war like attitudes, custody battles.

Dragonwoman - I believe that you said earlier that you have never been married? So... anything you say regarding marriage is bull-excrement...

Nothing better in the world than getting marriage advice from a single, never-married individual.

Boffo -

What you have just engaged in is called an "ad hominem." You are attacking Dragonwoman not based on the substance of her argument, but on the content of her character (and making yourself look like a fool in the process.)

By your logic, someone who has never tried drugs has no authority on the subject of whether drugs are good or bad.

It doesn't take a genius (or a married person) to be able to validate the claim that Dragonwoman made that "Marriage does not guarantee stability." It only takes a quick look at America's divorce statistics to see that.

While it is true marriage doesn`t, in this present age, guarantee stability, it is certainly meant to. Why else can you imagine God would spend so much time in the Old Testament laying out the conditions under which Isrealites were allowed to marry? God is not the author of instability or chaos. Though for several thousand years now the marriage union has been changed to that between one man and one woman, the importance of its role in the stability of God`s people (all of us now days), is beyond dispute.

Rushman...Thank you... well said

Buffo the clown (nice handle btw)... I'll tell you what... no I did not get married to satisfy some weird check off list in your head that lets you to believe I am qualified to give an opinion. But I will rattle off a couple reasons I feel I have the right to state my opinion .... K?

1. My parents got married a year after I was born (thus both my brothers created and born into wedded ...ahem....bliss

They were not married when I was born because he (my father) was still married to his first wife. She became pregnant (during the time mom was preggers with me) by another man (or so I am told). I got to meet my "step brother" the first day of 5th grade when he sat next to me in class and our teacher thought we were fraternal twins... Now doesn't that make you want to laugh your ass off???

I met him a year after mom left dad, while he was at work, because he threatened to kill her if she tried to leave him.

I got to have my parents force my brothers and my self to choose between them.

I will spare you what that feels like.... what that has done to my spirit.... and my brothers.

I will tell you I have not seen my father since I was 13 and I am among the 2nd set of children he has thrown away.

Ahhhh wedded bliss....

Anyways ...

2. I stayed my first year of life in my Grandparents back bedroom.

Grandpa married Grandma 10 months before I was born. Mom's dad died when she was 7 years old.

Grandpa never sired a child, but has been the bedrock of solidity in not only her life, mine, but all of ours.

Clown, I could go on and on with all the marriages (failed and successful) I have witnessed in my 42 years on this planet.

I feel I am blessed with the capacity to read human nature. And I give my opinions freely.

Deal with it.

You're right E-Ruff. Have an affair and wonder why you're marriage is over. Hey, let's all jump on this dumb braod's bandwagon.

I dig my husband immensely. We've been happily married for 11 years, despite many hardships and crises. He's the only rock I'd want to weather those storms with. And he's pretty darn cute!

Dead on E-Ruff!

"In fact, while having two biological parents at home is, the statistics tell us, best for children, a single-parent household is almost as good." -- far, FAR from true. Just go to any prison (male or female) and ask the prisoners in there if they had a "two biological parent home" or a "single-parent household".

Then, you go to say that the husband of another woman wont have sex with her for some motives, but you say nothing about that woman doing a thing to try to get a solution to this motives her husband mentioned.

It's like saying the Titanic was expecting the iceberg would accept its velocity and direction (it's collision course) so nothing bad would happen, intead of simply changing its direction!

We have certain laws in this physical universe and they wont change. If you want to violate one of them, you will just get an exact, opposite force, against you.

If you dont believe me, just jump from a bridge expecting no harm and reality will tell you "you are not special, I will allow gravity to pull you to the ground whit an increasing acceleration...Let's see if you can stand the impact".

Women (and maybe men also) in your country are making the jump from children to adults, where you want all the benefits from childhood but none of the responsabilityes of adulthood. Sad thing is that your country is the model for many other countryes that are listening closely.

P.S. English is not my first language, so I apologyse for all gramatical and ortographycal errors in this post.

Brilliant! Well said!

Um, someone...the vast majority of serial killers came from two-parent, "normal" homes.

Given the small number of serial killers, who cares? That's a pointless point.

I applaude those that have been married for a long time. It just goes to show that you have the strength and the wit to acutally try to keep things going. I have to agree with E_Ruff though. She didn't have time to go on a date with her spouse, but now that she is divorced and single she has the abundant free time. What the hell?!?!? I'm sorry but I always found that I had more free time during my marriage, just because there was someone there to give me a break every once in a while. When you're a single parent that mac n cheese doesn't look any more attractive in the candle light and you're lucky you can shoot off a good email to a friend, when you are chasing a 4 year old around the room at bed time.

Besides being married does grant the fact that not only do you have an attrative date, but how about having an attrative date that is available any time you are AND you don't have to go very far to have a good time with your spouse! I admit my ex and I have gone our separate ways because for him marriage just wasn't his thing, which is cool as I had stated before it is not for everyone. But for me I knew I wanted to settle down and just live out my life being with someone that warms my heart and lifts my spirit - even when we're apart, but who's greatest gift to me, has been staying together even through all the crises in our lives.

I say Kudos to those of you who are still married and happy. As for the ones who look down on the idea of marriage...you don't get out much.

That was my take.

It is soooo obvious, and yet I missed that one. I think you've hit the nail on the head!

said he hadn't done her in two years,so he just discovered he's gay or just is not truly attracted to overweight women?

Not just that he wasn't interested in sex with her, but a lot of other nuances.

Read the whole article.

As for the other guy who's got porno bookmarked, it sounds like he enjoys the company of his hand more than that of his wife.

Far from being gay, Ian is a guy that, as his wife mentioned, it's not attracted to a women that has gained weigth and, as far as the article goes, has done NOTHING to change such thing.

Men are normally seen as the always-wants-sex, but we also get tired to the extent to prefer porn and manual activities than to have sex to the same (and I dont mean the physically same) women all nights.

Forget about the idea of an always ready-for-sex man, or you will forget about sex completly.

P.D. English is not my first language, so I apology for all gramatical and ortographycal errors that are in this coment.

Maybe her friends husbands dont want to have sex because

1) she bitches and nags at me. 2) My prefered hours for sex -at night- my wife is pacing in the kitchen eating candy bars 3) we never see each other 4) I didn't want to disturb her reading 5) i know she wants a divorce so i'll just go to XXX dot com 6) if i do have sex with her she might write an article on a public forum critiquing my skills. 7) why cant she cook?

Maybe Ian's gay. Or maybe his wife is a selfish, spoiled, narcissist like the author of this article and he just does what he can to keep the witch from nailing his a$$ to the child support wall.

That's right. It's the Oprah effect. If it's not good for one person, it's not good for EVERYONE and we should all just jump off the same bridge. No thanks. I'm sticking with my man. He's a great guy, even though he ocassionally irritates me and snores.

Amen to that Lee!

like you comment...

the author of the article seems to be just a very jaded and (deep down) unhappy person. Marriage is like anthing you have to work at it everyday.. if the author cared as much about her marriage as her job then it would be an success. Living with anyone is not ease even if everything matches up perfectly which it never does.

I feel that marriage is not for ever one and that is a root to the problem... most people will never TRUELY be honest to themselves ever in the there lives on who they are , what they want, or who they want to be to start with... and in turn leave paths of moderate destruction behind them (troubled kids that have futures of problems to shattered marriages based on Lies).. People first have to be honest to themselves before being able to know what they want regaurdless of what "type" of peronality they have.

my wife and i would not be married if it was not for the problem of us being from different countries... we were and still happy with what arrangement of emotions, money, childern and such we fully discussed prior to 'sealing the deal'. it works since we work on it constantly with everything else we are doing together and seperately. Humans at biologically, culturally, and inherantly selfish creatures.

What I found interesting is that she seemed surprised as if she was some victim of the divorce,when she perpetutated it and brought it down all on her own. How on Earth did she have time to have an affair when she was home reading every night? Right. She's the victim and we should all just get divorced because she thinks we should.

She's an idiot and should keep her mouth quiet.

Good observation Lee 453088 (or may I call you Lee 45 for short)

What's more, she expects sympathy because her marriage is breaking up. My wife left me after 31 years (also having an affair) and all our friends offered her a shoulder to cry on.

If a man leaves his wife, he is a rotten no-goodnik. If she leaves, he is a rotten no-goodnik. The courts reinforce this by giving the female the bulk of the assets--rewarding her for her infidelity.

When a marriage breaks up, it is not good for the individuals, not good for their kids, and not good for society as a whole, yet people like the author--clearly a post NOW feminist continue to destroy the very fabric of society.

Right on micrometer. A (former) friend of mine cheated on her husband with a kid barely out of high school, got pregnant by the teenager, then wound up getting custody of her 3 kids and $1000 /month in child support. Was the judge drunk???? Nope, it's just that in our society, we have emasculated men to the point of turning them into women. There are still some women in this world who like a hardworking, nice guy, who will drink a beer on occasion and punch someone in the face if they hit on their wife. Americans are the most self centered, spoiled bunch of brats in the whole world... why should this woman be any different. If it requires any work at all...screw it, let someone else have the job.

That is an interesting view on the subject.

micrometer: "When a marriage breaks up, it is not good for the individuals, not good for their kids, and not good for society as a whole, yet people like the author--clearly a post NOW feminist continue to destroy the very fabric of society."

Perfectly stated! They are indeed trying to destroy the very fabric of our civil society.

that's a silly take on it...i mean, seriously. Just as many gay people are wanting marriage for all the wrong reasons, just like straight people. In fact, I know a handful of lesbian couples that are in the process of getting married/just got married/planning to be married...even though it's illegal in Michigan. At the end of the day marriage is like confessing to the world your love and devotion to another human being. Today, that may be entirely true (even for all you readers)...but 5, 10, 15 years...the story might change.

I find it interesting that so many people feel so confident in marriage - and their own marriage on here, yet fail to see the reality that they cannot know what their partner truly thinks and feels.

Any one of you could wake up tomorrow and learn that your partner just doesnt love you anymore, and doesnt want to try to love you anymore.

Marriage - as in the institution is a failed concept, for no other reason than the success rate. It doesnt mean it's not a good thing...it just means our approach to marriage has been a failure.

I know of a dear friend who "settled" for someone because she was approaching her 30's and wanted to have a kid. I would be willing to put $100 down that they wont make it - because the foundation was built on a wrong ideal. It's possible they might beat the odd's...but we're talking miracle terrority.

I myself, have been with my partner for 10 years this July 30th, and celebrating 4 years since our committment ceremony (because gay marriage isnt legal in MI). I have no disillusions about how long we'll last...all i know is that today is all we have. We have our periods where things are tough, where we don't appear to be on the same page...but at the end of the day, we always circle back around to each other.

I can't be confident this would be true if kid's were in the picture, as it add's an element that isn't conducive to working on a romantic relationship.

Maybe, the real truth is - KIDS KILL MARRIAGES.

Makes you have a whole lot more respect for women in the past - who truly had no choices. marriage is what it is now, because we do have choice - and a lot of women are realizing it takes two tango, and far too often one or the other is looking to sit this dance out.

Gay marriage: It's about civil and equal rights of a union between two adults. It's about being able to file income taxes as a couple; it's about inheritance transfer; it's simply being able to have the same rights accorded to opposite sex marriages and about what is fair and equitable rights for same sex marriages. Entering into a "gay" marriage is about being able to have that option of a marriage contract: the legal and financial commitments and life long obligations.

jessica, I have to agree with you that it could be children that are the killer of marriages. It would be virtually impossible to have a romantic night with kids screaming in the back ground. It takes a lot of energy to raise a child and a lot of times that energy is well spent when it comes to hubby. I have been married for 27 years without kids and have been witness to the harried lives my friends with children lead; not to mention the majority are divorced. Romantic time is like that stupid idea that folks came up with some years ago to assuage their guilt, "quality time." The idea of coming home from working all day putting in a couple of hours with the kid before they go to bed.

Jessica and Ming

I've known several childless marriages that have broken up too. While children do put other stresses in a marriage, I believe they contribute more positive things that keep a couple together.

How many women stay in marriages until the kids are grown, then leave abruptly, saying they have been un-happy for years? Often their husbands had no clue, because the wives hid their true feelings. Instead of working on their marriages, they merely lied to their spouses and to themselves. Utterly selfish.

No one argues the fact that marriages without children also fail. No one should stay together if you cannot get along with continuous bickering, children or not. In my opinion that is more detrimental to children.

First off I have an Aunt and an Uncle who have been married for about 16 years. They have no children and they do just fine. I also know that my mother remarried when I was about nine and has been married to the same man for 21 years. They have two kids together and they still managed to make time for each other.

I am not married to my fiance as of yet, however we've been together for only a short time and even before I got pregnant he shocked the hell out of me and proposed to me at the top of the seattle space needle.

We now have a son together he's two months old and we STILL have time for each other. When we get married we both know that we will last a long time. So for those of you who say that children is a marriage killer, go get lives.

It's sad and patehtic that you use children as a scape goat like that.

surely you jest. I do not recall anyone saying that children are marriage killers but a marriage becomes more difficult once children arrive usually. There are more issues to contend with. You are fooling yourself if you don't think so or maybe you are one of the lucky ones that does not apply to. In either case, I have a life thank you. To me what is pathetic and sad are people living in a fantasy land with a closed mind. You come back with your statement when your child is 8 or 9 years old and you actually have time to see what it takes to raise a child.

I admit I had to stop reading, too. I cannot finish an article when I absolutely loathe the writer. Which is pretty much how it went down for me.

it would have been helpful in your rant, if you had read that she refused to outsource the help of raising her children (due in part to feminist beliefs).

but the larger question to your reaction is "how" was she supposed to knwo all this 20 years ago? sure, hindsight is always 20/20...but doesnt that reinforce her point? Our society really pushes marriage and kids as "what you do"...even if you are trying for a career. Not too many men are told "ya know, you really should wait to have kids til your 50 when you've satisfied that career itch"

Bottom line. She didn't want to be married anymore and is trying to justify her decision to end it.

yeah Jessica, she is practically Betty Crocker. She is making a crappy decision based on her own selfish desires. I feel sorry for her husband because he is probably going to wind up having to pay a fortune in child support even though he was not at fault. She is a whiny, arrogant witch who needs a good smack to the back of her head (A La Medea). This society is teeming with selfish, Me-sists whose sole dream in life is having anything and everything the very minute I decide I want it. No one is willing to work for anything anymore, and therefore...we will have nothing.

you obviosly didn't read the first few paragprahs, she refused to hire a nanny. hence her reason for not having the time for herself. Or so she says

Yep - I had to stop reading too. Happily Ever AFter??? Sorry, Walt Disney did not write my wedding vows. Most of the time I'm darn happy w/my four kids, my job, my husband, my 2nd mortgage, my Mom's taxi service, etc., but there are times I'm not so thrilled with it, but I'd never give it up! If I want Happily Ever After I put in a movie. This is real life!

Kate - your observations of her are absolutely right. Its' too bad she's probably got a big old "we heart you and think you're right" fan club. That's even sadder.

very well put!

Yeah. It'll be snowing at the equator before I think about a divorce. And I particularly would NOT listen to this woman whose ideas I loate!

Lee - what happens if your partner wants a divorce, but you don't? Do you just chain yourself to a tree and chant "hell no, we wont divorce"?

Ok, Jessica, that happened to me. I lost a baby, and 2 weeks later, my husband came home and said he didn't love me anymore, he was glad we weren't going to have any children, and that he didn't want to be married anymore, but he would stay with me as long as he did whatever he wanted-- because his mother would be mad at him if he didn't.

I figured that I really didn't want to live with a man that didn't love me. I wanted children. And I could really care less what his mother thought. So, I got divorced. Best thing that ever happened to me--awful as it was. I later met and married my husband that I love and we have a sweet 10 year old son. If I had stayed in that dead end relationship, my son would not be here, nor would I have had the pleasure of being with my husband all these years.

I am not a proponent of divorce. However, it takes two to make a marriage and only one to decide he/she wants out. Cheating on your spouse is saying, "I want out, I'm bored." It isn't that the faithful spouse is perfect-- but it takes only one who is really not committed to working on the relationship to make it better for the relationship to end. Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and move on.

I don't think that any one of us is immune from a divorce, nor do I think that any one of us is immune from a serious relationship breaking up, either. If you live together without benefit of a civil union, you are unprotected legally. That is your business, if you are willing to accept that for the rest of your life. But what about if your partner becomes seriously ill? If you aren't his wife, you can't follow his wishes-- it will be up to his parents or siblings-- and do they even know his wishes? What if your partner dies? Without a will, all his assets, 1/2 of everything you own together, will go to his parents or his siblings.

Everyone must do what they feel best-- but I honestly feel that if you are truly committed to each other, then you should commit to each other legally-- for each other's protection. It is more than a piece of paper. It is a legal document that gives you specific rights and priveleges, especially on tax, insurance, and health matters-- the stuff of life or death.

While I am glad everything worked out for you, I still think having children in the middle of a divorce is about the saddest thing in the world. When the press stops glamorizing all the evil things possible in this world, perhaps people will be less likely to emulate them. Just look at celebrities Jon and Kate. If you ever watched the show, you know she was a controlling big mouth of a woman who treated Jon like her 9th child; but all this aside.. they should have put the SHOW on hold..not the marriage. People put far too much emphasis on what feels good, instead of what is right.. and that is a very sad thing.

sorry the versue didn't post right. Here it is in its entirety.

¹If I speak in the tongues

¹If I speak in the tongues

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

LOL ss...don't hold anything back man...tell us all how you really feel. I agree with ya, but dang...you sure did not beat around the bush there.

I've got 11 happy years of marriage and two beautiful boys. Has it been a picnic every day? Absolutlely not. We've had multiple crises in our marriage including preemie twins with 6 surgeries between them (including one open heart), caretaking a dying father, and most recently a job loss.

I love and respect my husband deeply. We made a vow that include for better or worse and I absolutely meant what I said.

We have a deep, mutual love and respect and I would not leave him ever. I can't imagine life without him or causing that kind of hurt to my children. My family is my rock and I need them to weather the storms.

Ah, you are missing the point: women can justify anything...anything. There is no truth or lies, no right or wrong, only consequences...

CPowers, I appreciate your point of view as a man and I appreciate you sharing it honestly.  Now here's mine point of vew as a woman:  plenty of men let their asses, as well as their guts, sag.  There is a HUGE double standard here and my only response would be to make sure you can offer what you demand of others.  If you can great!  If not, look in the mirror.  Pregnancies are difficult to rebound from physically and men really need to appreciate this a little bit.  It's not an excuse to let yourself go but it does require understanding and support.  For the record, I am a competetive distance runner whose ass is NOT sagging after 2 kids.  Just throwing that in to make the point that my comment is not self serving.  It's amazing to me how many fat, gut hanging down men belittle their wives for gaining weight and somehow think they're entitled to supermodels. I do appreciate everyone's comments and continued support of marriage!

Any thought about how men make themselves look to their wives? I don't want to have sex with someone who looks like a beached whale either. Besides, EVERYONE gets saggy eventually.

Men pay more for a beautiful woman, and women select for that pay. There is certainly a double standard, and if that should be rectified, women should spend more money, time and effort pursuing a 10x as many women that will reject them, bring more money to the marriage, earn just as much during the marriage, and live off marital assets only as long as men.

Thirty years ago, the excuse most women offered for gaining weight over time was pregnancy. With child bearing ages increasing, it's clear that the weight gain is dependent on time more than pregnancy.

That said, pregnancy is tough, and every man respects that burdern borne exclusively by women. Men are speaking up in defense of themselves, and women will just have to get used to that. The monopoly of the women's self-help industry and female-centered media has grown to excessive proportions, but I'm still doubting we will see any "Fix your wife, not yourself" books for men.

I have to agree with Liz. There is a double standard here. To expect women to stay in shape while you men get to let everything go is wrong thinking and is a joke if you ask me. NO one is perfect and just as I was talking to one of my coworkers earlier today REAL beauty is on the inside. You can have a person physically beautiful but they have inner ugliness. Then there is the physically ugly person but you know what makes them beautiful is the inner beauty they let shine. But if you are only after the the ones who have physical beauty then you are missing out on having a great, GREAT relationships with the not-so-beautiful and that's a shame.

Now where did Fabio go? (just kidding on that last line)

Perhaps women could do their part by choosing men for their inner beauty rather than the ability to provide. When a man's income drops, so does his desirability by women.

Women are missing out on a lot of great, GREAT relationships with low income men.

I think you are making the same mistake you seem to be accusing her of. How can you knwo that her family won't be better after divorce than before? because it didn't go so well for you?

My mom divorced my bio dad when i was 2 - and we never heard from him again. I ended up having a pretty fabulous life...wouldnt have been so wonderful if my bio dad have bothered to be in my life at all. Sometimes divorce IS the best thing (abusive drunk dad's arent any good...not that her husband was...im just saying, each story is it's own story.)

What I'm saying more than anything is that she's fooling herself if she thinks her kids will be "unfazed" and "relatively content" and continue about their lives as though little has changed. Children rely on a stable family environment and the love of their parents for them and for each other far more than this deluded author is willing to admit. I didn't read about any mental or emotional abuse coming from the children's father, nor bitter fighting and manipulation - just her unwillingness to work at her marriage. I don't see that as a legitimate reason to shatter children's lives and homes, and she's banking a lot on her children taking her divorce in stride in order to assuage her own conscience.

I certainly do not fault people for getting a divorce when their situation is unlivable because of abuse, adultery, or addiction. I do, however, feel compassion for these children whose parents are simply giving up because of ennui and selfishness.

Ian is pro-marriage and a men's and children's activist. Some women confuse that with homosexuality.

I was too dumb to remember that the article spoke of Ian the husband and thought someone was calling me gay. Duh.

Anyway, I'm surprised to read that this woman is leaving the apparently perfect homemaker. Aren't metrosexuals the flavor of male these days? Is he not buying the right Italian shoes and scents?

Ian I respect your oppinion and for that person to say you are gay was just a dumb thing to do seeing that they don't know you very well.

I don't mind the menial labor that goes into the day to day life. I don't mind the cleaning, cooking, etc. I'm glad to have someone to share my life with. Is it always sexy and fun? Nope. But, it wasn't when I was single, either.

You will be reincarnated as a man in a matriarchical society.

Hey Ian, you make that sound as if it were a bad thing. Could it be worse than being a woman in a patriarchal society? Why don't you try it sometime?

We don't live in a patriarchal society. Even if the figureheads are male, they are all serving female interests. Since the majority of children grow up in female lead households, families are also matriarchal in large part.

We rule, but in order to continue to play the victim we pretend we don't. My favorite quote by Warren Farrell is "Men's strength is their greatest weakness, and women's weakness is their greatest strength."

I would hate to be a man today, and I worry about my son's having to grow up in such a male hostile world. This article is a good example of this.

You said it better than I ever could. My ex also thought he was happily married to his first wife, too. Clear up until the day she changed the locks, packed his bags, and left them sitting on the front porch.

Marriage takes two. If one can't or won't work at it, if your goals or lifestyles are totally incompatible, it's going to end sooner or later. Facing the fact that your marriage is making one or both people miserable is not a sign of failure. It's simply dealing with the fact that you made a mistake and are taking steps to fix that.

I don't approve of the author's affair, but she was mature enough to realize that it was a clear indication that she needed to end the marriage. For all of these naysayers posting here, would you rather she stayed married and resented it every day? She'd become bitter and angry, and the entire family would suffer. I don't consider her selfish for wanting to get out, because she is still clearly focused on providing stability for her children. Yes, divorce is hard on anyone connected to the splitting couple, but it's not nearly as bad as two people remaining under the same roof after they've begun hating each other.

PAresident, as one who has strayed myself I can tell you that adultery, at least in my case, was a call for help, not a sign that things should end.

My DH is a good man. I did not want to end the marriage, and thank goodness we are still together. I never had any notion of leaving DH much less riding off into the sunset with this OM (who was no bargain in the marriage department, being a womanizer to begin with).  But it takes two to make a situation, as they say. This did not happen in a vacuum. Sometimes, the other partner NEEDS a hit upside the head because nothing else will grab his attention. Mind you, I didn't get up one morning and decide to break my vows. This thing developed over the course of a year with the OM, (but truly was a disaster waiting to happen for years), and believe me I felt perfectly justified. Of course I was not, and I regret it, but it DID finally get through to DH that I deserved to be higher on his list of priorities than at the bottom.  And yes, there are things I 'm still working on to change about my own expectations of him and of myself-I was not blameless.  It truly takes work to bring about a change of perspective.

If I could offer anything to others it would be this. Marriage is not a pink cloud of adolescent romanticism. You will have baggage from your own growing up years. You will not always 'feel' in love. There will be times when you feel you can't stand your spouse another minute. That's normal. You must learn to fly with your own wings-which is a far different matter than flying alone.  And for heaven's sake, cultivate friendships as a couple with other couples. You can't possibly meet all of each other's needs.

Ending my marriage was not indicative of a failure. It was something that I had known was inevitable two weeks after I married

That sounds pretty weird to me..............you'd think you would have seen it 3 weeks sooner and not gotten married.

No, it happens sometimes, though on a rare occasion. Some couples get married and realize they married too soon or that they just weren't right for each other. At least they went their spearate ways instead of trying to make something work that wouldn't work. Especially if their hearts were not in it to begin with.

PA resident-717993 wrote "I don't approve of the author's affair, but she was mature enough to realize that it was a clear indication that she needed to end the marriage. For all of these naysayers posting here, would you rather she stayed married and resented it every day?"
Perhaps daughters should be raised the way sons have been raised : "Don't cry. Suck it up."

TiffanyBrown wrote "Some couples get married and realize they married too soon or that they just weren't right for each other."
That is so American of you. Marriages arranged and enforced by parents seem so much more reliable.

Actually, marriages have historically been about business, not love or religion.

But, yeah. Your idea is great. I think I'd vote for you if you were running for office on that platform. I can't imagine anything more important right now during a crisis than to spend money to abolish the institution of marriage because of your misconceived notions of what it is.

Good idea. High five.

Thanks Lee (sarcasm)

Its nice to know that fools can see the truth.

This one stand up comedian said it best, "I think we should make gay couples get married. They wouldn't be gay anymore. They'd be as miserable as all the married couples out there."

On a serious note, I think that couples who are happier together than they are apart find a way to make their marriage work.

On the other hand, if a person is a miserable piece of crap to begin with, his/her marriage is probably doomed from day one.

Domestic parternship is already in place, it has some errors that need fixing such as the age of the partners who at least one need to be 62, or be lesbian or gay. and you are right, marriage is an institution, an institution that has been set by the Catholic church and it is a Sacrament, if people are not religious and not practicing their faith they don't need to get married, the Sacrament of Marriage requires that two concious adults make vows to each other before God, and a priest or minister as the witness and in place of a Justice. The commintment through the vows is the Sacrament which means Sacred, Holy, and pure.

There there is no place for marriage in law, Marriage as part of law is unconsitutional.

Nav - That makes no sense whatsoever. I think you are being vague about the term 'unconstitutional.' Most, if not all state constitutions, have laws in place dealing with marriage and divorce scenarios.

For example, Rhode Island lets people work out marriage and divorce with their religious leaders of choice. Alabama allows sixteen year olds as well as first cousins to marry. Nevada was the first state to allow for a quick divorce. You get the picture.

Since the U.S. Constitution makes no direct mention of marriage or divorce, this indicates that the States and People reserve the right to hammer out these issues. This process is in accordance with the U.S. Constitution, and hence, by definition, is constitutional.

If law and marriage are mutually exclusive, should we therefore not recognize every imaginable union between two or more people as legitimate? Would there be any age restrictions, e.g. could two five year olds get married?

Wrecking marriage is a good thing. It is not relevent for today socieity and it puts people in a privelege status which is unconstitutional.

Jim,

Do you have any idea how illiterate you just made yourself sound - the poor grammar, misspellings, poorly constructed argument, not to mention the prejudice slurs. I don't think that you have much right to point a crooked finger at anyone else.

I have no idea what Nav is talking about. Hitting the brandy early today? Unconstitutional? Privelege? WHAT???

Its easily a privelege status, by using marriage people can automatic rights that other people have to spend thousands of dollars to arrange in legal contracts. So yes its a privelege status, plus all the tax breaks they get also.

NAV,

You're just not very bright....

Mostly because we keep telling them they are unhappy.

Um no, married or unmarried children resutling have as much chance at happiness and it is all based on how the child is raised. My mother was single and raised me and I turned out just fine and I'm happy. So is my son.

Jim Watson - Ahhhh, stutisticly???? Hmmm? I wonder what product you came from?!! I came from a single parent, I have dual Masters degrees, bought my own house, entertain my mom, dad and friends all the time, travel a great deal and have a great job. Oh wait, I see my dad everyday, all day, 24-7 and I LOVE LIFE!!!!!

Oh well, I guess this little "bastard" child is just wrecked beyond repair huh?!

CJ, I think in the case of this article he meant Slutistically.

tsk, tsk, tsk

Nav - you sound like a lonely person who's had a bad marriage or a few bad relationships that have ruined your view of love. Yes, marriage is a priviledge. The priviledge to LOVE someone for the rest of your life like you've never loved anyone else before. The tax and other benefits from it should be secondary. Unfortunately, there are people who think like you do but I'm not one of them.

No, I just don't think that marriage has its place in a tax law. I am sorry, but you people are those same idiots that really don't believe in love in general. You believe that you have to have some type of sanctioned action to show that love. Marriage is a privelege status, because you enjoy many legal benefits that other don't.

To bad that putting me down is the only way you can make yourself feel better. But what do I expect from people who don't believe in the idealogy of separation of church and state.

There is a countering article I wrote in response to Ms. Loh. Please click on my name to stop by my page and read it... your voices may still be heard. I also encoureage you to send your comments directly to her via the The Atlantic Monthly site or her own website (I don't think I'm allowed to put up links in this venue-- you will have to google it).

Thanks everyone!!

Ex Factor Dave (Formerly known as Sickened Husband)